Memories hurt
by fireheartmatilda
Summary: Aelin is in Doranelle, and can't deal with it when Maeve shows her who her family and loved ones could be hurt. She can withstand the physical blows that Cairn deals her, but can she cope with watching her loved ones hurt time and time again. Faces from her past return and old wounds are opened up. Aelin cries for her family and her mate. Dorlaena friendship, Rowaelin :)
1. Chained

**Author's Note:**

 **Hey, this is the first piece of fan fiction that I have ever published on here, and would love your feedback and reviews. Hope that you like it!**

. . .

It wasn't about the pain anymore; it was the memories that it brought with it. With every crack of the whip, Aelin felt Arobyn beating her as Sam screamed at him for hurting her. With every fresh scar on her back, Aelin could feel the pain and emptiness of Endovier. With every bit of blood splattered on the floor, Aelin returned to that room, where her friend lay mutilated on the bed. That was her torture now, remembering those that she had loved that had left her. Her brain was an endless cycle of people that had been hurt because of her. Sometimes, it wasn't limited to memories. Sometimes she saw Lysandra's body, killed the same way as the princess from Ewlle, whom Aelin had loved so fiercely. Sometimes, her beloved cousin lay before her, gutted in the same way that Aelin had gutted Archer Finn. Sometimes, she saw Rowan…Rowan's silver hair, long, the way it had been when they first met, matted with blood and a deep scar running through his tattoo. It was these images, these thoughts of what could happen, that made Aelin cry out.

She had tried so hard to hold on, storing away better memories: of reading in the library with Dorian, of running with Chaol, of teaching Nehemia, of gossiping with Lysandra and sparring with Aedion. She saw Marion, Cal and Elide Lochan, who was so brave. Teressan would be lucky to have such a woman. Her parents and uncle were in these thoughts, and her mate. Rowan, who smelled of pine and snow, whose magic sang to her own, who she would have followed to whatever end. She tried not to think of how he would react now that he knew. She had kept so many truths from him, from all of them, but she hadn't wanted to make unfulfilled promises, hadn't wanted to let them down. Her people, her kingdom, her family. Now she would remain in an iron cell for the rest of her days, whilst they passed away. She hoped that they could find it within themselves to move on and accept her absence, though she doubted that they would ever stop searching. That is if they survive this war. They had to, she thought to herself daily, she had put everything in place for them to win. She wished she could have been there when their allies arrived, not only to see the look on her court's faces, but to see those people again.

Though her memories of Galen were hazy, she could conjure up the image from when she was six and her, Aedion and Galen had been sent to play in the palace gardens for an hour or so. Galen had accidently knocked her into a fountain, and despite her amusement, Aedion had almost punched the prince. However, he hadn't had the chance, before Galen apologised profusely and bowed deeply, whilst Aelin had kept in her laughter. She had been as shocked as Aedion when the prince had pulled up his trousers and joined her in the fountain, dancing around gaily. On their drenched walk back to the castle, Galen had produced a flower crown, which Aelin had placed on Galen dripping locks and said, "Now we can both be princesses." They had been scolded for dancing in the fountain, though Aelin could have sworn her father's eyes twinkled and her mother kept turning away to hide her smile. Galen was a good cousin to her, once, and had loved his Aunt Evalin very much. She had no doubt that he would provide the armies that she had requested. As for Illius, she hadn't seen him in years, and had rather missed his calming presence. She blushed to think of the young assassin who had kissed the son of the Master, but from the contact that she'd had with him since, Aelin knew him to be a good man, and he wouldn't hesitate now that she had called in his debt to her. The dynamic with him and Ansel would have been fun to witness as well. These were the people on whom she now relied and she had no doubt that Lysandra would do as Aelin had instructed her to do and ensure that their allies did what was required of them.

Aelin hoped that Aedion didn't hate her or Lysandra too much for what they had planned. People had always said that the closeness and resemblance between herself and Aedion had been astounding, more like twins than cousins. Aelin supposed it was true. She loved her cousin irrevocably and would go to the ends of the Earth to save him. If she lost Aedion, Aelin didn't think she could stand it. What would she be without the other side of her coin? She had worried so that she would settle whilst he aged, that she would have to live her life without him, she wasn't sure that she knew how. She saw how he was around Lysandra, and she didn't want her scheming and plans to stand in the way of their relationship, however new and untested, because Aelin knew how perfect they would be for each other. Before finding out about the lock, Aelin had imagined what would become of them after the war. She had pictured her family and their children and the future that she had wanted so much. Maybe she couldn't be a part of that future anymore, but Lysandra and Aedion could. She so badly wanted them to have that, to have love. She wanted it for Rowan as well. She just wanted them to be happy, and maybe she was trying to soothe her conscience for leaving them, but she loved them all so much and wanted them to live again, without Valg kings and evil queens and endless battles.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a deafening silence. For the past half an hour, Cairn had been whipping her in that throne room, but she was so lost in her own thoughts that she barely noticed when he stopped. Dredging up what little energy she had, Aelin lifted her head to stare at the queen, who had been watching these whippings gleefully since Aelin had arrived. Forcing a crooked grin, Aelin drawled "Bored already, Maeve?" Her aunt's face settled into cool indifference.

"I figured since you seemed so lost in the thoughts of you court," Aelin didn't want to know how she had guessed what she had been thinking, "we could bring them to you." Cairn snarled slightly from behind her, where he had been thoroughly enjoying whipping Aelin, but Maeve just smiled at him in amusement. "Don't worry, Cairn. You can have some fun with the others." Aelin felt her throat tighten and her heart began to beat faster. Hearing this, Maeve let out a cruel laugh that echoed off the marble walls of her throne room. A young sentry entered, looking fearful, and two other sentries held him down where he knelt.

Aelin swallowed, and her eyes remained fixed on her aunt, refusing to look at the sentry before her. She was still limp from her own whipping, and sagged slightly from when Fenrys and his twin held her firmly. Aelin hated to watch how Maeve leashed Fenrys and Connall. She had grown close to Fenrys, and he was almost like her mirror, if her mirror image is a Fae male. His cockiness and sarcastic wit reminded her very much of herself. No, not her but an assassin from another lifetime. She had warmed to Connall as well, not just for his relation to her friend, but because of his gentle nature and the way he loosened his grip on her arm slightly when the whip continued to sting her back. Maeve pouted slightly, as though put out. "Oh, don't look so glum, my niece. I am simply giving you what you want. Or don't you want to see your family again?" Maeve gave her a feline smile and gazed at her intently from under lowered lashes. Aelin could have slapped her then, simply for the way that she was looking at her, like an animal she was taunting. "Go on, then. Look at him." Her voice was commanding now. Aelin still refused to indulge her. She wouldn't lay these games. "Connall." An order. Fingers gripped her chin and forced her head to turn back towards the sentry.

She had fully intended to close her eyes, but that face stared out at her, his hair longer than the last time she had seen it, as though he had been conjured up right out of her memories. Sam Cortland knelt in front of her and it took all her strength not to run to him, not to show Maeve how much this game truly broke her, because if she did, the queen would make them play it again and again. Cairn had moved now, no longer presiding behind Aelin, but behind Sam, his expression unchanging as his shirt was pulled off by the two sentries.

"Sam." Aelin whispered his name, and it was like a prayer on her tongue. Oh, he had loved her so and she him, but that love had left him in a coffin and her, trapped in the salt mines of Endovier. His eyes moved to hers then, and she could have sworn his face softened, as he replied,

"Celaena." That name didn't belong to her anymore, but the girl she had once been nodded slightly, despite the dagger of pain it sent down her spine. Then Sam's expression changed and fear overtook his features. Cairn grinned wildly as he slammed the whip down again. A new slab of meat for him to work on. Aelin held in her flinch as Sam yelled out. The room was silent again.

The next thing Aelin heard was the slow clapping coming from the throne, followed by a lilting laugh. She couldn't tear her eyes away from Sam, however, as old scars reopened and she felt her heart breaking all over again.

"Well, wasn't that fun. Oh, the ruggedly handsome Sam Cortland, once Aelin's sweetheart. What an honour to have in my own palace. Who shall we do next?" The queen was immensely enjoying herself, it seemed and Aelin could feel her trying to generate her next victim to glamour that sentry as. Sam's eyes remained lowered for a time, before they flicked to the immortal queen. He was still restrained by the other sentries but turned his head back to Aelin, right before Maeve clicked her fingers. Aelin remained neutral as Nehemia looked at her from across the room. Once again, she was whipped and it took everything Aelin had not to show a flicker of emotion. Maeve was growing restless though, as she flicked through Aelin's loved ones as though she were going through a catalogue. Ress, Brullo, Chaol, Dorian, Elide. Even Manon was there, hissing with iron teeth bared. Aelin's face remained still as Aedion roared, as Lysandra whimpered. She refused to show just how much this was hurting her, more than any of the scars on her back. Maeve watched her triumphantly nevertheless, and said "A common whore. What dreadful company you keep, Aelin. Gods, what a sorry excuse for a queen you are." Aelin remained frozen. Maeve's voice turned into a whine. "Oh, come on Aelin, show me something. You're boring me." Still Aelin refused to oblige her. "Maybe this next face will make you change your mind, Aelin. You see, I did my homework. I know all about you, who you love, who you want to protect." Aelin whipped her head to Maeve at that, and watched a victorious smile grow on her face. Aelin didn't want to look, not this time, but still her head slowly turned back to where Lysandra had been moments before.

Aelin thought she might snap, and if she had of her magic left, she might have exploded into flame right there. She heard Fenrys' small gasp. She knew this hurt him too, that he loved some of these people as well. A small, confused girl knelt before her looking up at her, a frightened expression on her face; Evangeline. Aelin shook her head slightly, and a tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. When her eyes rested on Aelin, however, Evangeline's face broke into a shy smile.

"Aelin! Thank goodness, you're here. I've missed you. Have you seen Lysandra?" Aelin continued to shake her head as tears rolled down her cheeks, furiously now. "What is it, Aelin?" Evangeline asked quietly, her voice soft. Maeve gave Cairn a small nod, and Aelin staggered forward a step, feeling Fenrys' and Connall's hands tighten on her arms. Cairn brought the whip down with a crack, and the child's scream caused a shuddering sob to escape Aelin. She turned her head and rested it on Fenrys' chest, and his grip on her arms softened. She could have sworn that he was crying as well. Maeve started to laugh, like a witch's cackle.

"See, now we're getting somewhere. This was all I wanted Aelin. Now let's have the same sort of attitude for the next one, yes? There's a good girl." Maeve's taunting rose above Evangeline's sobs, but when she finished the room was quiet once more. She felt, more than heard, Fenrys give a shuddering sob and slowly, she turned her head away from his chest and towards her mate.

There he was, kneeling on the floor, staring up at her like she was a miracle. His silver hair was short and tousled and his skin paler than normal. She felt the room around her melt away and she stared into her mate's eyes and hoped she would never have to look away. She forgot he wasn't real, she forgot what was about to happen, all she knew was that her mate, her carranum, her blood sworn, knelt before her and she longed for his arms to hold her once more. His deep green eyes gazed into her own and if she hadn't already been kneeling on the floor, with two Fae males holding her down, she might have collapsed to the floor. Maeve's voice broke through her trance once more. "Cairn." That command spurred Aelin into action as she turned as much as she was able, so that she was almost facing Maeve. She saw the dark queen nod to Cairn and everything that nod implied made Aelin crack. From where she knelt, Aelin began to struggle. She writhed around desperately, yelling at Maeve the whole time.

"No! You can't do this to him. I'll kill you, I swear I'll kill you, you bitch." Her yells only seemed to amuse the queen however, but when she saw Cairn raise that grip again, panic overtook her body. Somehow, she wrestled off the two Fae males, clamoured to her feet and lunging across the room, blindly attempting to reach her mate. A pair of strong arms caught her and encircled her, though, stopping her in her path. She didn't care that Fenrys held her gently and that he was trying to help, trying to save her. She kicked and struggled, desperate to reach him. Rowan only knelt there, and his unchanging expression did nothing to calm Aelin. She only thrashed harder, but Fenrys' embrace held firm. She could hear the male crying from where he held her, could feel his chest shudder as he sobbed, but she wouldn't give up, never on him. Her Rowan. Cairn brought down the whip, with a menacing smirk on his face.

The crack of that whip on her mate's back might have been the most horrible thing that Aelin had ever heard. At some point, she had started to scream, as she continued to attempt to twist out of Fenrys' hold. She didn't know what she was screaming, and what purpose they were supposed to have, but her logical side had been lost the minute Maeve glamoured the sentry as her mate. All she could feel was an unending need to reach him, to help him. She had felt this way only once before in her life, on that night that she had run to save her friend from the fate that she had orchestrated for herself, before she had even met the turquoise eyed assassin in that glass castle. That sense of nothing, of pure terror for the unknown. She felt this all over again, as that whip came down again and again and again. Aelin was shaking now, pure fury boiling in her blood, and her cries went unanswered. Finally, she heard Maeve say something, but she was too out of it to hear the words. The sentry turned into himself again and was dragged out of the room. This did nothing to appease Aelin; all she could see was that whip coming down on her mate. She screamed until her throat was hoarse and then collapsed back into the comforting embrace of Fenrys, crying now. Loud shuddering sobs escaped her and she thought that if he let her go, she would fall to the floor. Maeve watched all of this with a look of pure glee on that smug face of hers, before saying,

"Fenrys, let her go." Fenrys snarled but slowly his grip disappeared and Aelin was alone, trying to pick up the pieces of herself that had shattered onto the floor. She hated how broken she must appear to that bitch, lying on the floor of her throne room, still searching for breath after she had cried so loud. After what felt like an eternity, Maeve spoke again.

"Take her back, Cairn." As large hands pulled her up roughly, Aelin let out a low snarl.

"One day, Maeve, you are going to beg me for your life, and I will remember everything that you have done to me. You will suffer, in ways that you haven't even thought of making me suffer." Maeve just settled back into her throne and gave the young queen a small smile.

"I'm waiting, Aelin." Aelin just snarled again and didn't bother to fight back as large hands pulled her out of that room and flung her into the coffin. It didn't matter to her today, for it wasn't the wounds on her back that had hurt her the most.

Aelin didn't say anything as she was hauled back to her iron coffin. It took enough effort to keep it together, and she wished she had the strength to walk with her head held high; instead she was half dragged across the stone floors, Cairn not bothering to be even the tiniest bit gentle. Gods, she would love to gut him the way she had gutted Archer Finn in that sewer. That felt like so long ago now, a whole different life, where she hadn't met Rowan, hadn't seen Aedion in 10 years and hated Lysandra. All she had back then was a Captain who had looked at her as though she were a monster. Her and Chaol had been in a bad place for so long, and they had finally started to fix things before he went to the Southern continent. Now, she would never be able to talk to him again, to explain that despite all that had happened, she loved him and they would always be friends. She would never forget the days when it was her, him and Dorian against the world, the three of them united. Those days after the glass castle had shattered, sitting in Chaol's room with each other and the new king of Ardalan, it had felt that way again. She wondered now if her family would tell Chaol what had happened to her, where she was. Even if they didn't, he would know. He knew her, after everything, he knew her. Maybe he wouldn't bother to ask, though. Maybe he would return to Ardalan with Dorian and live the rest of his life happy, eventually forgetting about the assassin who had loved them both so much. The assassin who they had saved, after Endovier, after Sam, the assassin that had needed those friendships. She hoped they would, she hoped they wouldn't look back, that they would live their lives unburdened. Mostly, though, she hoped that Dorian returned to Ardalan, that he got a future. She would have given her life for to forge the lock. Maybe she deserved it after everything she had done, but she had Lysandra to carry on Aelin's legacy, to be the hero their kingdom needed, she had Aedion to provide an heir and she had Rowan to rule Terresan. Dorian didn't have any of this, and her friend deserved so much more. He did have one thing, though. Aelin smiled at the thought. The witch would save him.

Her smile disappeared as Cairn stopped to open the door to her coffin. She hated the iron box, nearly as much as she hated the male now preparing to lock her in it. Chucking her inside and locking the shackles into place, Cairn gave her a bloodthirsty grin, more of a baring of teeth, and sealed her into the darkness. Aelin closed her eyes and let a small tear run down her cheek. She had survived Arobyn, she had survived Endovier, and she had seen so many of her loved ones die. She would survive this. She was Aelin Ashryver Galathnius, and she would not be afraid. This phrase made her want to laugh now. Before, it had been a promise to herself, a reminder that something better was coming. Now it was useless. She didn't need reminders of the person she would never really be again, not without the people that had made her that person, and the mate who had given her the courage to be that person again. She didn't have any of these things anymore, and so she put the thoughts away. They would do her no good. Aelin slipped into unconsciousness, ignoring the throbbing that remained on her back.


	2. Dreaming

**Author's Note**

 **This scene is set in Aelin's dreams but isn't completely finished yet. The rest of the dream will be posted soon. Please leave me comments and advice, because I would love to hear your thoughts.**

 **. . .**

Aelin knew she was asleep. Her back didn't hurt anymore and she was no longer wearing those tattered clothes she had been in since that day on the beach. Instead she was wearing soft brown pants that were held by a black elastic belt, accompanying a loose white shirt. The clothes were simple, but it was the most comfortable she had been in months. Aelin surveyed her surroundings, curiously admiring the exquisite bookshelves that surrounded her. It was all so familiar, the space large and open and the walls full of books. Large windows opened onto balconies and lights streamed in, illuminating the library. Tables were scattered around the centre of the room, where one could sit and read, and the tall ceilings were designed with paintings of angels and cherubs. Aelin walked over to and area of the room where bookshelves jutted out from the wall, creating a darker corridor of sorts, the type that Aelin had loved to explore, especially as a child. She searched for an area to read, where she might escape the confines of Maeve's coffin and immerse herself in literature. Coming to the end of the hallway, Aelin rounded a corner, to find a cosy area, with a large armchair in the corner and another large window, this time looking over a view of Teressan. It was exactly as she remembered it, as it had looked when she was eight years old and her and Aedion would sneak out to their spot on the roof and look over the city of Ornyth. It was not her kingdom that snagged Aelin's interest however, but the young, dark haired man curled up on the armchair, his nose tucked into his book. Looking up at her with glittering blue eyes, Dorian Havilliard smiled.

It was not the regal smile that he reserved for diplomats, but one filled with love and sadness at the same time. As he stood, she flung himself into his arms.

"Dorian," she mumbled into his chest. "I've missed you so much. What are you doing here?" She pulled back, and frowned slightly, confused. Dorian simply laughed.

"Don't ask me," he chuckled. "It's your dream. Why am I here?" He wiggled his eyebrows, and she grinned, despite herself. Sighing deeply, Dorian stepped towards the entrance. "I'm here to make sure you don't give up. To make sure you don't break." Aelin winced at the word. Dorian smiled sadly and held his hand out to her. "To remind you what you have to live for." Aelin rolled her eyes. "The way that you did for me, once upon a time."

"So dramatic," she grumbled, but she took his hand and allowed him to lead her from the room.

"I still don't understand, where are we going exactly?" Aelin queried as she and Dorian ran down the corridors, their shoes squeaking. The palace was beautiful, and had a lived in, cosy fell to it as well. "And, where are we? I mean, I know that we're in Ornyth, but this isn't the palace from when I was a child."

Dorian stopped abruptly, and slightly out of breath, replied, "Gods, Aelin, I don't know. Probably some palace that you envisioned. After all, this is your head. Though, I'd always hoped that there would be more chocolate cake in one of your mind palaces." He grinned and she returned it.

"My apologies, King, for my insufficient subconscious." Aelin thought about what he'd said. "So, is this some kind of imagined future for me, then?" Dorian looked around, before resting his eyes on Aelin.

"It will be, but before you can go forward, you must look behind you." Aelin snorted.

"Gods, you sound like Elena." At that Dorian laughed out loud, a joyful sound that she had so sorely missed from him since she had left for Wendyln. After everything with Sorscha, he hadn't laughed like that in a long time. Seeing her sad gaze, Dorian's own smile softened.

"Come on." With that, he turned behind him to a large pair of wooden double doors that stretched up to the ceiling – she hadn't even seen them - and pulled the ornate handle to let her in to the room.

Upon entering the darkened room, Aelin squinted, trying to see something, anything. At the sound of voices down the corridor, though, she stiffened. It was a child's voice, whiny, but happy. From elsewhere in the room, another door creaked open and Aelin heard footsteps. She wasn't sure she was breathing. She definitely wasn't when one of the people struck a match, illuminating the bedroom. Neither of the figures seemed to be able to see her, or even noticed as a strangled noise came from Aelin's mouth. The child skipped over to the grand bed and hopped onto the end of it, whilst the woman set about lighting up the room. Turning back to the bed, Marion Lochan smiled at young Aelin. Stood watching the pair, Aelin felt her heart splintering. That face, her nursemaid had been so kind, and Aelin had loved her. She had taken her for granted, hadn't told her how much she appreciated her. What Marion had done that day had never left Aelin, it had changed her. When she had seen Elide for the first-time months ago, Aelin had found it hard to look her in the eyes. She looked so much like her mother. Turning to Dorian, with a question already on her lips, she found Dorian staring at her. He shook his head slightly, and so she turned back to the scene unfolding before her.

"Please," young Aelin begged, wriggling on the bed. "Just five more minutes. I want to watch when people start arriving." She gave her nursemaid an angelic smile, to which Marion just laughed quietly. Moving over to the bed, Marion handed Aelin her nightgown.

"Come now, Princess. Your parents want you to go to sleep. You've seen plenty of balls in your time, and I have no doubt you'll see plenty more." Young Aelin frowned and began to grumble, but Marion just absent-mindedly tucked a stray lock of golden hair behind the child's ear. "Besides," she whispered. "I have a feeling that you and Aedion will find your way to see plenty of the ball one way or another. Plus, the view from the roof is so much better." She gave Aelin a happy smile, which Aelin returned with a broad grin.

Tugging her nightgown over her head, Aelin continued to smile. Older Aelin watched it all wistfully. She had been so happy, so lucky, as a child.

"Are you going to the ball, Marion?" Marion shook her head slightly.

"I don't love balls as much as you do, Aelin dear. Besides, I need to look after you and my Elide." Young Aelin was pulling herself into bed now, and she looked worried. Aelin tried to remember this day, tried to remember what could be troubling her younger self. She didn't have to think for very long.

"Do they not want me there in case I set fire to something, again?" Young Aelin asked, averting her eyes from her nursemaid. Marion sighed and perched herself on the edge of the bed, stroking the young princess' curls.

"No, sweetie. That's not it." Marion frowned slightly then. "You know that you're very special, Aelin. You must never forget that, no matter what anyone says. Some people may be scared of the power that you have, but you can embrace it. It is a part of you, even if it sometimes makes others afraid." Aelin frowned, confused now.

"But you aren't scared of me. Neither is Aedion." Young Aelin smiled at the mention of her cousin. Marion smiled back.

"That's because we know you, Aelin, and love you for who you are. Don't pay any attention to the other people. Promise?" The nursemaid held up her pinky to the child, and Aelin linked her own finger around it. "Now," the nursemaid stood from the bed, "I better go, or Aedion might never sneak in and you might miss all the carriages arriving." She smiled down at the princess, a soft smile that Aelin had seen so many times in her dreams. "Goodnight, princess." Aelin grinned at her nursemaid, and replied just as Marion opened the door, blowing out the candle.

"Goodnight, Marion."

Aelin resisted the urge to follow her nursemaid out into the corridor, to be held in her arms and to tell her how much she had missed her. Instead, she stood frozen, watching the balcony door creak open, and a young Aedion slip into the bedroom. He was exactly as she had envisioned him for all those years. After a short, whispered conversation between him and younger Aelin, the two royals slipped out onto the balcony and made their way up the small passage that led to their spot on the roof. Dorian still just watched Aelin, curiously, but she felt him walking behind her when she followed her younger self and her cousin. She found them leaning over a small wall and staring at something below them. Walking over to where they stood, Aelin perched next to her cousin and followed their stares. Below, a parade of carriages were drawing up to the gates of the palace and Aelin and Aedion were pointing and exclaiming at the different degrees of finery. Aelin just stayed there with them for what felt like hours, but was more like minutes, until she heard footsteps. She wasn't ready, not for this. She knew what was coming next. Emerging from the same spot that she and Dorian had just come, Rhoe Galathnius walked onto the roof. Young Aelin and Aedion were fidgeting guiltily, whilst desperately searching for an excuse. Aelin barely noticed them anymore, she was transfixed with her father's face. At the twinkle in his eyes as he looked at his daughter and nephew trying to profess their innocence. At the amusement that laced his small lecture about how they should both have been in bed.

At the smile that lit up his face when he said, "Well, since we're here now…" and moved to stand in between the children, joining them in pointing out his favourite carriages or the funniest looking wigs. Aelin simply watched, a lump in her throat. She just watched as he claimed he must get back to the party and would escort the princess to bed, before swooping young Aelin up in his arms and running off with her slung over his shoulder. She listened to the young girls squeals of joy and Aedion's laughter as he watching his cousin flailing in her father's arms. Dorian placed a hand on the small of Aelin's back, snapping her out of her trance.

"Come on," he murmured. "We still have a lot to see." He gently guided Aelin down the passage and back through the door that they had entered through. They were back in that light filled corridor, and Aelin slid to the floor, leaning against the doors they had just exited from. Dorian sat beside her, not saying a word.

"He was so handsome. She was so gentle." Aelin felt exhausted. Seeing those people, seeing that life, that she so desperately missed. Seeing the nursemaid who had sacrificed herself for the Queen who was promised. Aelin was glad she hadn't had to see her mother; her father was enough. The weight of this loss had been carried with her through her life; it was there when she was Celaena, it was there when she was Lillian and it was there when she was Aelin. It was something that she could never escape, something that would never leave her. Standing slowly, Aelin looked down at Dorian and wore a strained smile. "We can't sit around all day. I thought you said there was more to see." Dorian forced a smile of his own and allowed her to help him to his feet, before they continued down the corridor.


	3. Lost Loved Ones

**Author's Note:**

 **This is another section of Aelin's dream. I have been working on this section for a little while now, but decided that this chapter would only contain these two parts. The whole of this story will not be in Aelin's dream, but the majority of it will be. Hopefully, in the next section, you will see some more of Aelin's interactions with Maeve. Until then, please fell free to leave me reviews and comments, as I would really appreciate the** **advice.**

 **Thanks.**

. . .

The halls were long and wide, but Aelin supposed that to contain her past and her future, they would need to go on forever. Lord knew she came with a lot of baggage. The palace was beautiful, somehow homey and extravagant at the same time. Aelin laughed at the thought; this was literally the palace of her dreams. Not that she would ever get to live in it. Dorian gave her hand a small squeeze and Aelin glanced at him. She was so used to slipping away into her own thoughts, having someone to pull her back out of them was unfamiliar. She smiled slightly and peered down the corridor, thankful for her boots. Walking down these endless corridors would be torture. It wasn't long though, before Dorian was pulling her towards another door. This was smaller, more modest, but with intricate carvings on it. It was somehow familiar, but she couldn't quite place it. Pushing the door open, and receiving an encouraging nod from Dorian, Aelin walked into the room.

It was the music that she noticed first. Intricate and waltzing, and ever so familiar. Aelin walked further into the room, trying to find the source of the music. It felt like another corridor, but when she stepped forward, she noticed an archway to her left. The room was dimly lit by a small candle that glowed, sat atop a pile of music. There in the centre of the room, her back to Aelin, sat a young girl with long golden hair, swaying slightly with the music that she played. Aelin didn't need to see her face to know who she was. She reached a difficult part, and stumbled, cursing colourfully. A low chuckle sounded from a shadowed part of the room. Sixteen-year-old Aelin jumped to her feet, snarling.

"Spying on me again, Sam Cortland?" Aelin's heart skipped a beat as the fair haired, young man emerged from where he two had been watching the girl, from another shadowed archway.

"Yes, because I have nothing better to do than follow round a sixteen-year-old, bratty assassin who can't play the pianoforte." Sam rolled his eyes, and older Aelin watching him, smiling sadly.

"What a noble liar you were, Sam. Gods you had me fooled." She resisted the urge to step towards him, leaving the pair of them to play out the scene.

"Well, at least you're man enough to admit it." Young Aelin remarked, her eyes simmering with distaste. The two of them danced around each other, trading snide comments and Aelin just watched, amazed, having forgotten how easy it all used to be. Before she fell in love with him, before he died, before Endovier and Nehemia and Cain. She watched, regretting that she had wasted so much time hating the roguish assassin in front of her, that she hadn't had more time with him. She watched young Aelin storm out, likely as a result of something Sam had said and she had flared up at; Aelin didn't know, she had almost tuned out the noise, now.

That was, until, he started playing. Sam had sat down after Aelin had left the room, staring after her sadly. Then his fingers pressed down on the keys, and he began to weave his way through the delicate piece. So sad, but elegant, enchanting. Somehow, it seemed to convey distress and grief in such a beautiful way. Aelin let out a small gasp. She knew that this probably wasn't real, that she didn't know what had really happened in this room after she had left that night. That she was likely making up this ending to the scene, but she didn't care. She just closed her eyes and let the music swallow her up. When the piece came to an end, Sam stood and, with a predator's grace, walked towards Aelin. He paused a moment and she held her breath, before he turned and disappeared into the dark corridor. Breathing a sigh, Aelin closed her eyes once more and just stood for a moment. She felt Dorian's hand rest on the small of her back, and opened her eyes, grateful for her friend. Grateful for what she just received. She never thought she would see Sam again, not like this. She smiled and allowed Dorian to lead her out of the door. She kept her eyes on her feet and there they remained as she was once more led into the bright hallway.

"I caught you playing that same piece once." Dorian murmured. "The one that Sam played."

Aelin slowly nodded and looked up towards him.

"However much it hurts to remember, I will never let them be forgotten, none of them." Dorian nodded, and Aelin returned the nod before stepping forwards. One step in front of the other. "Where to next?" She tried to keep chipper, to remember that there must be something in this mind palace that she did want to see.

"You won't like it." Dorian grimaced.

Aelin sighed deeply. Not yet then. "Well, there's a surprise," she grumbled. Dorian chuckled, but even to her it sounded forced.

This walk was shorter, and it took very little time for them to reach the next door. Aelin was busy looking out of the large windows, over Teressan, her heart aching. She didn't notice when they reached the door, and kept strolling down the corridor, before slowing and pivoting to where Dorian was standing in front of a large door. Aelin walked closer, frowning slightly at the concerned expression on his face, and started to ask him what was wrong. Stepping closer and resting her hand on his arm, Aelin began, "Dorian, what…" That was as far as she got before the door came to her attention and it became difficult to breathe. She stumbled back towards the window, away from that door, that door that had come back in her nightmares. Whipping her face back to her friend, she didn't try to hide her pained expression as she begged. "Please, not this one. This won't help me. Anything else. Not this." Dorian looked back to the door, before striding over to the queen.

"I'm sorry, Aelin. We have to see this one, you have to. It was something that you never truly dealt with, something that you pushed back and back, but you never dealt with it."

Aelin grabbled for words. "I did, in Wendyln, I already dealt with it. Not again Dorian," Aelin pleaded. Dorian just shook his head sadly, and slipped his hand into hers.

"Together." Aelin clutched his hand in hers, worried that if she didn't she might run back to the library, to Sam and Rhoe and Marion, and away from that blasted door. Trying to compose herself, Aelin stepped forwards and soon, too soon, her hand was on the handle to the suite. Taking a deep breath, Aelin opened the door a crack and paused. "It's ok, Aelin. You can do this." Aelin nodded, grateful for the presence of her friend, glad that she would do this with someone who knew. Pushing the door fully open, Aelin stepped into that suite in Ardalan's castle, and faced the scene that she had feared since the day it had happened. There, on the bed, lay the princess of Ewelle, mutilated and lifeless.

Aelin staggered forward, slipping out of Dorian's hold, and nearing the bloodied bed. She stared at what was left of the face of her friend. This was worse than what she had seen that day in the field with Rowan, this was so real. The stench of blood overwhelmed Aelin and she covered her nose and mouth with her hand. Aelin didn't know what to do, didn't know if she should scream or cry or leave. She didn't want to see what happened next; see her younger self find this body for the first time, see herself attempting to kill Chaol when she directed her anger at him, see Dorian who had just lost his friend too have to prevent her from killing his other friend. With these thoughts running through her head, Aelin turned her head to the door, expecting the scene to begin any minute, for the small cluster of people burst through those doors. Dorian interrupted her thoughts. "They're not coming, not this time. This one's different, just a snapshot. You don't have to see them, just her." Dorian's voice was soft, his tone delicate and comforting. Still her made no move towards the bed. She had to go for herself. Aelin turned back to the bed a lump forming in her throat. She didn't make any more moves towards the bed, however, staying frozen to the spot, using all her energy to keep herself from collapsing. Her eyes stayed fixed on her friend, that beautiful princess who had shown Aelin what it was to truly love a kingdom. When she had contemplated what type of queen she would become, Aelin had decided that she wanted to love her people as much as the woman before had. Standing in that mirror with Manon Blackbeak, Aelin had learned just how much Nehemia had known and planned and given up for her people and her family. She had told Aelin not to let that fire go out, and Aelin had ignored her. If it weren't for the people she had found, her cousin, her mate, that fire would have gone out a long time ago. She would have returned to that shell of a person she was after Endovier, before Dorian and Chaol and Nehemia. It was her memory of the vow she had made to her lost friend that had kept her from this. Nehemia had saved her. But all Aelin felt when she thought of her was this strange wave of… she couldn't place it, she didn't want to see it for what it was.

Lost in her thoughts, Aelin jumped when that voice interrupted them.

"Elentiya." The voice was gentle, quiet, but it speared through Aelin and that name, that name. It felt like a sword was being propelled into her stomach. It took everything she had not to keel over. Slowly, Aelin rotated to face the space next to the bed from where the voice had come from. There, looking exactly as she had when Aelin had seen her last, was Nehemia, princess of Ewelle. "I've missed you." With that, the wave returned, stronger than Aelin had ever felt it before. She knew what it was now. Rage. Unending rage for the princess who had left her, who had manipulated her, who had tricked her into loving her so that she could take herself away. Rage and pain and anguish. Aelin snapped. A scream erupted from her she lunged. Lunged with all her strength towards her beloved friend. Her eyes were dry and that scream was unending, brutal. Years of pent up grief and fury. She had let go of parts of it on those days with Rowan in Mistward. She had felt this way before, when Rowan had delivered the news about the salt mine massacres. Before she could collide with the princess, hands held her back. Maybe she hadn't needed to see this scene because Dorian had decided she should just relive it. This time, though, she would blame the right person, the person who really orchestrated the whole thing. She struggled against the hands that held her back, like a savage animal, clawing to reach the object of so much hatred and love. She scrambled widely, refusing to let up screaming, writing from where Dorian held her. That was different too, last time it had been his magic, but this time his own arms gripped her, and though they were soothing, they remained steadfast, unable to reach Nehemia. Her screams became smaller, her throat hurting and tears cooled her flushed cheeks. Dorian just held her as she stopped struggling, as she curled into herself. He sat on the floor with her, not letting go. Together, he had promised. She didn't deserve a friend like him, however not real he was.

Soon, the arms encircling her changed, and Aelin leaned into the familiar scent of the princess, letting herself be comforted, her wrath forgotten. She clung to the friend who had left her, refusing to let her leave again. After a minute, Nehemia led her over to the now clean bed and sat them both down. Aelin clutched her hands and for the first time since she had broken down, looked up at her friend. That face was so kind, but her expression crestfallen. "Oh Elentiya." Another tear rolled down Aelin's cheek at the name that she had treasured so much, for the name that allowed her to be a better person. "I'm sorry that I left you. I'm so sorry." With those words Aelin felt the wave recede, before it vanished altogether. That was all she had wanted. Her friend back, and an apology. "I didn't realise that what I did would hurt you so much." Aelin frowned at that, confused. How did Nehemia not know how much she loved her? As though reading her mind, Nehemia continued. "I mean, I knew that you loved me, but I hadn't meant for you to blame Chaol, to…" Nehemia broke off, looking at her lap. Aelin reached over, and stroked her cheek, needing to see those dark, soft eyes.

"Nehemia,' Aelin sighed, the name familiar on her tongue. "Yes, what you did hurt me. For a while I thought I couldn't come back from it. All I had left was my vow to save your people, I had something to work towards, something to live for. I'm better now. I didn't want to see all of this again, this room, this bed, you. Now, I'm happy Dorian brought me here. I don't care if you're just part of my dream, I needed to talk to my friend again. Thank you, for everything. Everything you and Elena did, however awful, however painful it was when you broke my heart, I'm ok now. I just needed this, I needed to get my proper goodbye." Nehemia was crying now, fat tears rolling down her cheeks, and a small, grateful smile appearing on her lips. Aelin was sure that she was crying as well.

Nehemia squeezed her hands. "I watched over you, you know. I wasn't supposed to, I was meant to turn around and wait until you joined me one day. I just couldn't leave you that way. I wanted to watch over you."

Aelin' smile faded. "Some life to watch over. You couldn't have decided to watch over the life of a happy, carefree bunny rabbit. Instead you got a life full of grief, endless battles, arguments, Valg, and being captured and tortured for the rest of my existence. Lucky you. You'd probably have been better just turning around."

To Aelin's surprise, when she looked up, Nehemia was grinning. "I'm glad I watched. You maybe remember those things but do you know what I saw: I saw you reunited with one of the people you love most in the world; I saw you love and help a shifter; I saw you fix your friendship with Chaol; I saw you save Dorian; I saw you befriend a witch whose fate is twisted into yours; I saw you fight like hell to get your mate. I saw you save my kingdom." On that Nehemia's voice broke and that just made Aelin cry harder. "You are the greatest person I ever had the honour to meet. You are the queen I longed for you to become." Aelin looked back up at her friend, and Nehemia's eyes were dry now. "I have to go now." Those words made Aelin want to scream again, wanted to make her hold her friend so tightly that she couldn't leave her again. Instead she just squeezed the princess' hands.

"This isn't like the last time," Aelin smiled. "This was our goodbye, our proper one." Nehemia nodded, and stood. Aelin stood with her, but when she moved to walk back to Dorian, Nehemia reached out and gripped her wrist. Aelin pivoted to look back at her friend.

"Elentiya," Nehemia started. "There was one moment, one thing that I watched. On that bridge when you turned back for the witch, when you saved her. You didn't know her, at that point, didn't love her. It wasn't sacrifice or desperation that made you turn back for her. It wasn't recklessness, or hope that you might be able to use her. It was true selflessness. It was bravery. I lied, when I called you a coward. You, Aelin Ashyver Galathnius, Celaena Sardothian, Elentiya, are the bravest person I know." With that, Aelin turned, and walked away from her dead friend, out to the entrance to the room and left. Dorian, said nothing, following her silently into the hallway.

She curved around to look at her friend, as he closed the door, and said, "Thank you." With that she gave him a small hug, the only way that she could show how grateful she was. "I really needed that. If this were real, I would owe you many, many days of reading and eating chocolate cake."

Dorian stroked her hair as she held him, and breathed into her shoulder, "I miss her too." With that Aelin pulled away, but held onto his hand, and pulled him down the corridor. She was ready to see something else. She had feared the doors up ahead, but now all she wanted was to see her family, to see more reasons why she should hold on. Not just the people that had wanted her to live, but the people she had left to live for.

Instead, she woke up.


	4. Awoken

**Author's Note:**

 **So this extract is back in Maeve's palace, and Aelin is awake. I hope that you like it. As always, please give me reviews and advice as I would love your** **guidance.**

 **Thank you!**

. . .

No light met her when Aelin's eyes flickered open. She had no sense of time inside the darkness of the coffin. Attempting to move, Aelin felt the well-known scorch of her scars against the iron wall, and winced having forgotten about them momentarily, in the dream. Closing her eyes again, Aelin thought back to the dream. It had all felt so real, getting to remember, to say goodbye. But that wasn't how it had happened; that was just some fiction that she had concocted to keep herself from the painful truth. That memories were all she had left. Aelin attempted to return to that dream palace, wished for the company of the king of Ardalan, and for the views over Teressan, for the opportunity to see those she had left behind. She didn't know when Maeve would come for her, it could be hours, it could be days. All she could do was sleep, and hope that whatever she dreamt of was kinder than the reality she had been dealt. Normally, however, this was not the case.

Aelin had barely dozed off, when she felt something move. The large iron door had been swung open, and her shackles swung forward as her weight shifted. She drooped, pathetically, from where the chains held her, wondering what torture lay in store for the day, or if Cairn just planned to let her dangle in front of him all day, to prove to her how helpless she really was. She didn't need a reminder of that. Maeve, it seemed, had prepared for her, with iron shackles and the iron coffin, and even iron walls and a large iron door for the room in which the coffin was situated. Now, she was without a lick of her magic, her flames truly extinguished. And yet… In that dream, Aelin had skipped through corridors, faced so much and had seen her country again, her home, and as she had experienced these wonders, Aelin had felt just the smallest spark inside her. There she would keep it, tucked away, for her own personal enjoyment, her own escape from the mental exhaustion of Maeve's torture. Hopefully, Maeve would soon decide that Aelin truly posed no threat, and that the Queen who was destined to rattle the stars was no longer capable of such things. Then, maybe, she would give Aelin the gift of death and Aelin could join those she loved on the other side. She didn't care anymore if it wasn't what her loved ones wanted, if they wanted to fight for her to find her way back. She knew it to be impossible, and hoped that they too could accept that the next time they would see her would be when they joined her on the other side. They could be reunited, even if it took some longer than others to pass away. They would be together again. Aelin clung to that as Cairn unlocked her shackles and dragged her once more through the place where Aelin knew that one day, she would die.

Aelin wished that she had the strength to lift her head and attempt to see the view from the windows. Maybe then she would be able to tell which month it was at least. She did this for about the first year. Aelin would keep track of time, simply by whether it was leaves or snow falling outside. Now, she didn't care. She had lost all track of time and figured that she would only really feel it again when she settled. Then again, maybe that had already happened too. Maybe, somewhere, hidden by the excruciating pain of Cairn's whip, she had settled. It certainly felt like she had been here long enough for it to happen. She wondered whether Aedion had settled, and if he too was destined to live for over 1000 years, cursed, having to watch their human friends fade away. At least she didn't have to think about that, she would never have to say goodbye to Dorian or Chaol or Elide. She would just have to live knowing that she wouldn't see them again. She just hoped that they got the lives that they deserved.

Cairn stopped outside a small wooden door that was buried into the stone walls of the palace. When it was opened, Aelin tried to peer inside, but she was met only with darkness. Shoving something heavy into her arms, Cairn let go of Aelin.

"Queen Maeve is busy today, but said she didn't want you to miss out, so she set you a little task. Something to really make you feel at home here. Have fun!" Aelin didn't have to energy to lift her head and face Cairn, but she could feel him smirking as he shoved her through the door and into the passage. Aelin tripped on something rocky and was on the floor before Cairn had even closed the door. His malicious laugh echoed down the corridor as the wooden door creaked closed. Aelin reached for the wall, and used it to pull herself up. The walls were stony and jutted out in strange places. As Aelin's eyes adjusted to the gloom, she stared down the passage and what she saw made her groan. Hoping that it wasn't as she expected, Aelin searched for the object Cairn had thrusted towards her outside. She was met with a bulky pickaxe that was a challenge for her weakened arms. Yes, Maeve had decided to recreate her year in Endovier. Aelin had suffered in those salt mines for a year, before a crown prince and a captain of the guard had rescued her. Now, it seemed, she was going to have to do this all over again. Deciding that she would just be in the enclosed space longer if she didn't work, Aelin began to swing the axe. Déjà vu speared her gut, but Aelin fought the nausea that roared as the axe collided with the rock. If she was going to spend her time in here, she would really rather it didn't smell of puke. She tried not to think of the overseers that she had killed, or the slaves that she had left behind. Of the massacres that Rowan had told her about. Instead she thought about her dream, and the piano that she had heard Sam playing.

The day passed slowly, as Aelin chipped away at the wall, but she was kept company by the thoughts of her past, of the dreams that she longed to have again. When her arms were numbed and she felt on the verge of fainting, Aelin heard the door open once more. She had ventured down the passage at this point, but with the sound of the door, she stumbled desperately in the direction of the entrance. Anything to escape the memories that had resurfaced when she had begun working. She ignored the way that the stone scratched her legs and arms every time that she tripped or swayed to close to a wall. After a few steps, strong arms gripped her and she was hauled once more into the hallway.

"Wow, you really must feel like the underdog of the group." Aelin managed to lift her head to look at Cairn as her slammed the door behind them. "I mean, when Rowan was part of her blood sworn court, all he ever did was go and fight for her in far off kingdoms. Here you are, left to babysit me."

Cairn glowered at her. "Maybe, she just didn't care if Whitehorn survived or not."

Aelin scoffed, her eyebrows raised. "But you, she cares deeply for." She let out something like a chortle, then gave Cairn a simpering smile. "Or maybe, she knew that Rowan wouldn't get himself killed. You, on the other hand…" Before Aelin could finish her sentence, Cairn's grip on her arm tightened, and she gave a small gasp.

Lowering his mouth to her ear, Cairn whispered, "Take a look around, princess." He spat the last word like a curse. "You're in no position to talk." Aelin frowned, before wincing at the pain the expression caused. Cairn just straightened and continued to drag her through the halls. He was right; she was completely at Maeve's mercy, and she hated it.

Caught up in these thoughts, Aelin didn't notice their change in direction. Not until, that is, she was being pushed up a small set of stairs and through an antiquated door in an isolated corner of the palace. She had never been here before.

"What?" Aelin didn't even bother trying to stand, and she just lay on the stone floor. "Am I no longer worth the throne room? Pity." She pouted, but it lost some of its swagger when Cairn closed the door behind him. She surveyed the room from her vantage point on the floor. It was empty. There was nothing in it, just the four stone walls and the heavy door. Twisting to turn behind her, Aelin noticed another set of double doors, but they were small enough to suggest a cupboard or closet of some sort. "I mean, I know that you're not a fan of glamourous décor, but not even a bed? Or is it something to do with your need to show off how strong you are. What, you think people would judge you if you slept on the floor?" Aelin smirked again, looking up at Cairn to see if her comments elicited a reaction. He just stormed past her towards those doors.

"And here I thought that we got rid of all of that insufferable swagger after the first few months of your whipping." Just the word made Aelin flinch, but she was glad that she had managed to get under his skin. That bastard. He circled back around to look down at her, and she smiled up at him.

"Well, when you spend the majority of your time in an iron coffin with nothing to do, you have a lot of time to come up with ways to insult pricks like you." Cairn smiled at her, though, and pulled something out from behind his back. A whip, but there was something about this one. It seemed to have small bumps or spikes on the surface. Aelin frowned, confused. "I thought sweet Maeve was preoccupied today." Cairn sneered viciously, and grabbed her chin between his fingers.

Pulling her to her knees, Cairn smirked, his face close enough that Aelin could feel his breath on her face. "She is, but this is for comparing me to your coward of a mate." Aelin growled at the insult, a part deep inside of her jumping with a need to protect what is hers. Cairn just sneered and walked behind her again, then yanked off her shirt. Aelin didn't even flinch. She was used to this by now. She had months, years of experience. Then the whip struck. Aelin knew what those spikes were now, and as the iron embedded itself into her skin, she let out a guttural scream.

Hours later, Aelin lay limp on the floor of that stone room. She blacked out at some point, when the burning on her back became unbearable. She just lay there, slipping in and out of consciousness. She had never felt anything like that. That pain, she didn't even think that it was possible. Aelin couldn't move. She just lay.

After a time, Aelin became vaguely aware of strong arms encircling her and picking up from the floor. She was certain she would have missed it if it weren't for the pain that it caused. She passed out again after she heard the door open, and when she came to, she didn't know where she was. Before her eyes opened, she heard the crackling of flames. Smiling, Aelin imagined she was in Rowan's room at Mistward. She imagined that Rowan was watching her sleep, and waiting to take her to the village to but chocolate. She imagined that Luca was complaining because her had to do double the work, and that Emrys and Malakai were too lost in each other to even listen to his protests. She imagined that she would wake up to her mate's arms and that all would be right with the world.

Aelin opened her eyes slowly, and instead was met with an empty room. It was unfamiliar to her, but something inside of Aelin panged as she tried to search the room wither eyes. She had never been here before, but something was familiar to her, she just couldn't put her finger on what. It was small, but cosy with a flickering fireplace opposite the lounger that she was lying on. She would have liked to explore further, but a sharp searing down her spine told her it wouldn't be wise to move her head, or any other part of her. Instead she stared into the entrancing flames, and thought back. She barley remembered what happened in that room, aside from the overwhelming pain that she felt. She kept blacking out, but every time she had awoken, Cairn had been ready and waiting with another lash of his iron tipped whip. She didn't remember him leaving, just his laughs as she screamed. She didn't remember who had carried her out, just that they hadn't tried to hurt her.

Now, a door creaked open, and Aelin closed her eyes, expecting the worst. Instead, a soft voice asked, "Aelin?" She knew that voice, she just couldn't place it. Still it sounded gentle, unthreatening. "Are you awake?"

Aelin opened her eyes. "Yes." It came out as a croak. She supposed her voice was gone after so much screaming. A large figured approached the sofa, and crouched in front of the flames. Aelin tried to focus her eyes on the blurred figure.

"How are you feeling?" Aelin blinked again, and slowly Connall came into focus. He was holding a small pot of something, that Aelin hoped was some kind of salve.

Narrowing her eyes, she simply asked, "How?" He knew what she meant. How did his oath with Maeve allow him to bring her here, to care for her, to help her? Unless that wasn't what he was here to do. He scanned her face for more injuries before walking round behind the sofa, to face her back.

His voice was soothing. "Maeve told me to ensure that you were returned back to the coffin." Aelin winced as he started to rub the salve onto her scars. "I don't have long that I can resist for, but I can help you, even if it is only slightly." Aelin furrowed her brow. She understood how they could work around orders. She had watched Gavriel and Fenrys do it for months. What she didn't understand is why he only helped her now, and why it was him that could do it, and not his twin. She knew Fenrys, but the most she knew about Connall was what Fenrys had told her and that he sometimes softened his grip when her beatings became harder. "All that this salve will do," Connall continued, "is remove the iron left in your skin. The pain will still be there. I'm sorry I can't do more." Aelin didn't care. All that mattered was that she was here and she could get some of her questions answered. Connall finished rubbing in the salve and moved to sit in an armchair opposite her.

"How long?" Aelin didn't bother trying to move from her position on the couch, but she managed to twist her head so that she could look at Connall's face. He closed his eyes.

"Five years, Aelin." She let out a sharp breath. She had known really, that it had been years, but hearing it confirmed. She thought of all that may have happened in those five years.

"What happened?" She said through gritted teeth., and Connall looked towards the fireplace. His expression darkened, and Aelin prepared herself for the worst.

"Queen Aelin, it hasn't turned out like anyone expected." Aelin ignored how he addressed her so formally, how he acknowledged her power. She didn't care.

"What happened?" She repeated, tears threatening to surge up. Oh Gods, if Dorian had died to forge that Lock, that stupid, stupid Lock. If her family had died fighting. If Rowan had gotten himself killed in some crazy plot to try and save her. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if, despite everything she had done to try and save them, they had died anyway.

Connall turned back to face her. "You don't understand. Erawan has been off the grid since Maeve took you. It's as though he is waiting for you."

Aelin frowned and closed her eyes. This hadn't been what she was expecting. It made no sense to her. Remembering something Cain had said years ago, Aelin breathed, "All the players in the unfinished game." All those riddles, all those cryptic warnings. She didn't even care about that anymore. They were alive, they were all alive. Hot tears fell down Aelin's cheeks, and she smiled, as she felt a huge wave of relief. It was the most real thing that she had felt in months.

Connall stood abruptly, as though yanked up by a thread of string. Aelin's eyes fluttered open to face him again, and his features were sorrowful.

"We're out of time. We have to go." Aelin grimaced, and tried to hide her pained expression when Connall lifted her from the lounger. With a new perspective of the room from Connall's arms, however, Aelin frowned in confusion. So familiar. Its simplicity and yet homeliness. Connall was moving to the door, but as they passed the bed, Aelin noticed a faint, but undeniable scent. Whipping her head back around the room, ignoring the shooting pain up her back, Aelin gaped. Snapping her head back to Connall, she noticed that he had stopped, and was examining her expression.

"Connall, where are we?" Connall gave her a small grin, the opposite to Fenrys' wild ones.

"I figured you'd be more at home in Whitehorn's old quarters." Aelin turned back to the room and smiled, more tears running down her cheeks. Then she turned back to the Fae male who had shown her such kindness.

"Thank you." She whispered, and leaned up to kiss his cheek. When she pulled away, his face was serious again.

"I'm glad that you found each other." Aelin twisted back to the room once more and nearly laughed. Of course these were his quarters. They practically scream warrior squalor. On the nightstand was a small book and a tin of salve. Now she knew why it had all seemed so familiar. Connall began to move again, but even when they left the room, Aelin clung to the pine and snow scent that she had been gifted in that room. Her mate.

It didn't take long for them to reach the coffin. She had been so close this whole time. As Connall closed the door, she thanked him again, quietly. He had given her one of the best gifts she could imagine. She hated Maeve for the things that she had made these males do. Not Cairn, he was truly vicious. She hated her for the way she twisted and used good Fae males, like Connall and Fenrys. Like Rowan. With these thoughts running through her head, Aelin fell asleep in the iron coffin, and waited for her dreams.


	5. Left to Live For

**Author's note:**

 **Hi, so I have another chapter for you! I was on holiday last week so that was why I didn't post, but I did manage to get some writing done, so here is another extract. Once again, please leave reviews and feedback because I would love to hear what people think and what you want from the next part of the story.**

 **Thanks :)**

 **. . .**

When Aelin opened her eyes this time, she had no doubt that she was dreaming. She was lying on a comfortable window seat in the same hallway that she had been walking through before she awoke the last time. She had a woollen blanket draped over her and one of the small pillows from the window seat propped under her head. Stretching, and turning her head, Aelin noticed the large window that lay on her other side, giving her an incredible view across Ornyth. She smiled over her city, and at the memories this view elicited. She heard a yawn from the other side of the corridor, and turned to see Dorian slumped against the opposite wall, somehow having produced a book on his lap. Aelin raised her eyebrows. "How do you always seem to have a book on you?" Dorian chuckled.

"Well, you took your time, your Highness, at least an entire day. As it turned out, I had time to pop back to the library and grab this." He wafted the book in the air, before sliding it into his jacket and pushing himself up from the wall. He also began to stretch, and as he did so, she hoisted herself off the window seat. Staring down the corridor, Aelin waited for Dorian to tell her what they were doing now. He just started walking, without another word, and she hurried after him.

"Dorian, where are you going?" Aelin panted after Dorian as he strode through the hallways. He just called at her to hurry, over his shoulder. She rolled her eyes, but increased her pace, in an attempt to match his. They had already passed so many doors, turned so many corners. She cursed her mind palace, which had decided to make it as difficult for her as possible. She was about to relay these feelings to the King, when he came to a stop in front of a pair of white double doors, with golden embellishments. "Finally." Aelin groaned and braced her hands on her knees. She heard Dorian try to stifle a laugh, and was glad that Chaol wasn't here to see how far she had fallen from their running sessions through the grounds. "Well, five years without proper food will do this to a person." Aelin straightened and smiled at her friend. Dorian returned it with a warm smile of his own.

"Aren't you going to go inside?" Aelin glanced back to the doors and took a deep breath, before opening them and stepping through. Brows furrowed, she turned back to her friend.

"Another corridor? Seriously?" Aelin stared down the corridor that she had walked into. It was small than the other one, and had a set of plain, white, single doors lining the right wall. Each door seemed to have a plaque on it of some sort. Dorian peered inside.

"These are different," he replied. "You can come and go from the doors as you wish, and make your way down the corridor in your own time. But you mustn't stay too long, or you won't have time to see it all." Aelin gave him a nervous smile and turned back to the hallway. "Oh, and Aelin." She gave him a small nod. "They will be able to see you, to talk to you. They may even have their own versions of the future with you in them. You just have to go along with it." Aelin rolled her eyes, but when Dorian started to close the doors behind her, without following her himself, she jumped.

"Wait, you're not coming with me." Dorian gave her a small shake of his head.

"It's different to before. What you saw before were memories, or parts of your past. What you will see here are futures that you have concocted. They're just for you to experience." Aelin nodded, but kept her hand on the door to stop him from closing it. She leaned forward and looped her arms around his neck.

"Thank you." She murmured the words into his shoulder, and pulled back. She cupped his cheek with her hand and smiled up at the man who had saved her more times than she could count, in so many ways. "I found out that you were alive today. I hated myself for leaving the others, for making Lysandra shift into me, for lying to Rowan, but what I hated myself most for was that you might have to die in my place. This is our fight, Dorian, and when the time comes, we'll do it together." Stepping back into the corridor, Aelin whispered, "I'll come back for you." Dorian smiled at her and closed the doors.

The corridor seemed remarkably plain compared to the rest of the palace without the grand windows or the intricate doors. Aelin didn't care about this, however, her focus remaining on the small plaques on each of the doors. She didn't know how long she had, and she needed to get to the end of the hallway. She needed to see it all, to find some hope, some reason to keep going, and she knew that if she found it anywhere, it would be in these rooms. Aelin opened the first door, taking a deep breath. Instead of the room that she had expected, however, she was greeted with a sun kissed courtyard, with large trees in the corners, and in the centre, a large sparring ring. Aelin sighed at the feeling of the sun basking on her face. She hadn't been outside in years, she had almost forgotten what it felt like to have the sun shine down on her. A sharp huff from the training ring brought Aelin's attention back to the centre of the courtyard. Having been so engrossed in her surroundings, Aelin hadn't noticed the white haired female leaning against the edge of the training ring, raising her eyebrows at Aelin. Her moonlight white hair was pulled up into a slick ponytail, and she wore dark training clothes.

"Manon," Aelin breathed. The witch looked just as she had the last time Aelin had seen her, stood on that beach. Her expression of fury, though, at seeing Elide with a sword to her throat was no replaced with one of humoured annoyance.

"You're late." Her voice was bored and Aelin smiled to herself. The relationship between herself and Manon Blackbeak had always been somewhat peculiar, made of debts and bargains and in the end, something more. She admired the witch and, despite her original reservations, knew that she was good for Dorian, that she would protect him when Aelin couldn't.

"Well, I'm sorry, but if I'd not been ambushed by a surprise training session, maybe I could have gotten here earlier." Aelin drawled, grinning at Manon. The witch just frowned at her and turned to grab another sword. She twisted and threw the sword at Aelin, which she deftly caught. Readying herself in her familiar sparring stance, Aelin stepped forward into the ring. Manon lunged with her sword, and Aelin blocked it quickly. She was rusty, she knew that, and it didn't take long for Manon to catch her off guard. She dodged Manon's feigned left, but didn't see the foot that Manon stuck out, ending up flat on her back. The wing leader leaned over her, their breath mingling.

"That's not what I meant." She sprung away and Aelin pulled herself to her feet. She knew what the witch meant. She was supposed to be back by now. They all expected it, all waited for her, just as Erawan waited for her. The rest of them were sitting ducks, having to hang tight until the Valg king decides that it is worth attacking, worth taking over. She had been so relieved that they were all alive that she hadn't even thought about how helpless they must feel without any idea of when they would have to fight. Of how long they had left.

Manon launched ferociously back into the fight, swiping fast and strong with her sword. With years of torture, Aelin was weak, and was quickly backed into the corner of the training ring with the Wing Cleaver at her throat. Manon just narrowed her eyes and returned to her corner. Aelin sighed and readied herself for the next round. Once again, however, she was defeated in less than a minute. Manon had her arm around her neck, holding her in place, whilst a metal blade pressed against the queen's back. Aelin hissed as Manon pressed the blade against her skin, and twisted out of her grip.

"Well, I'm sorry that I haven't managed to prevent my torture yet." Aelin snarled, but Manon just smiled, daring her to continue. "It's not like I'm enjoying it. I gave you everything I could, every chance I could." Manon crossed her arms.

"And what about Dorian. Did you give him every chance you could?" Aelin flinched. "No, you just decided that we didn't need you, that it would be fine as long as we had those keys. You're gone and you may have given us allies and goodbyes, but what does Dorian have, except a missing friend?"

Aelin launched into sparring again. "I tried! Gods above, Manon, I tried. I did everything I could." Manon batted away her sword easily, and dodged Aelin once more, sending her sprawling on the floor.

"Well, it wasn't enough." She pulled Aelin to her feet once more, and for a while, the only sound was the clashing of their blades. Then Manon stepped back and pointed her sword at Aelin accusingly. "You left him with nothing." She spat at the queen.

Those words made something click inside Aelin, and she dove towards the witch with such force that in a split-second Manon was struggling beneath Aelin's weight with a sword to her throat. "He doesn't have nothing. He has you." Manon's brow furrowed but Aelin had already leapt off of her and was striding out of the training ring. She was pissed off. It's not like she had a choice. She did everything she could. She gave them what they needed to win the war. They needed allies, not her. Manon interrupted her thoughts when Aelin was a few steps away from the door.

"He needs you, Aelin. He needs his friend. We all do." Aelin looked back at the witch and nodded. She understood why she had needed Manon to tell her that. Because she knew that Manon was being practical and objective, without letting her emotions cloud her thoughts. She knew that if Manon said that they needed her, they really did. She smiled at the white-haired witch and walked through the door.

The corridor felt dark after the bright light in the courtyard. The door slammed behind her and Aelin wondered whether the same scene would occur if she reopened the door. She didn't have time to find out. Instead, she carried on, only having to walk a few paces before reaching the next door. It was identical to the first, but when Aelin opened it, she had to blink. It was drizzling in the scene, and as she stepped through the door, she took in the huge palace to her right. She was in Ardalan. Thinking back to what had happened the last time she was here, Aelin closed her eyes, trying to shut out the sensation of falling from the glass castle.

"Come on, you're late already." Aelin's eyes snapped open and she looked out in front of her to where Chaol Westfall impatiently jogged on the spot. She smiled at him then, thinking how much better he looked than the last time she had seen him. Gods, even before she had been captured, he had been in Antica and she hadn't seen him. Jogging over to where he stood, Aelin raised an eyebrow.

"Why are all of these visions so physically exhausting. Manon already made my muscles ache and now this." Chaol frowned, worry lines creasing his forehead.

"Aelin, what are you talking about?" He shook his head at her. Then without warning, turned and began to run. Aelin chased after him and tried to keep pace. "So, are you going to tell me where you've been." Chaol raised his eyebrows and peered at her out of the corner of his eye. She turned her head to look at him, but almost stumbled on a rock and decided it would be best to keep her head forwards.

"Um…Chaol," Aelin began, not really knowing what to say. She didn't know how much he was aware of. He stopped her having to say anything.

"Look, Aelin. I know that we had our issues. You came back from Wendyln a whole new person, but you seemed more complete, more yourself than you were before. I was jealous that I wasn't a part of that person, that you didn't need me anymore."

Aelin shook her head slowly, ignoring the burning building up in her legs. "Chaol, of course I need you. I always have. When I came back from Endovier, I was broken. You and Dorian, somehow, built me back up into the person that I was. I loved you so much, but you loved the assassin in the palace. I wasn't that person anymore. When Nehemia died, I projected my anger at her onto you, and I am sorry for that. I went to Wendlyn and I changed, but don't think for one minute that I don't need you. In that glass castle, when the King said that you were dead, I couldn't believe him, I chose not to believe him, because if I believe him I would have fallen apart right there and this war would have been over. Dorian would be infested by that Valg demon, we would both be dead and Erawan would have won. I have and will always need you." They had stopped running now and she was almost yelling. She needed to convince him, to show him that what she was saying was the truth.

Chaol searched her eyes for the truth that was shown there. Then he started to run. "Then prove it."

She stuttered, "Prove it? What do you want me to do, Chaol? How can I prove that I need you when we aren't even on the same continent?" Once more Chaol Westfall ceased his running. Beads of sweat mingled with the rain running down his face and he looked, not at her, but at a door ahead of them. Aelin blinked, she had to leave already. "Chaol?" He looked to her once more.

"Come back to us." She smiled at him. "Come back and fix our friendship. Come back to everyone who needs you just as much as I do. Come back and win this war." Then she hugged him tightly, and didn't let go until he laughed and whispered in his ear, "Plus, you're still not as fast as me." She laughed at that, a foreign sound that echoed off the castle walls beside them. Chaol chuckled and she started to walk towards the door. She opened it, looking back at her friend before stepping back through into the hallway.

Her clothes remained damp because of the rain but Aelin didn't care as she peered down the rest of the corridor. This may not be real, it may just be a dream that she was having, but it mattered. Though she was really lying in the darkness of an iron coffin waiting for the torture that dawn would inevitably bring, in this hallway with those she loved waiting for her, Aelin felt distant from the hopeless woman in the coffin. These were the people that she wanted to hold on for, the family that was worth waiting for. Dorian, Manon, Chaol. They had all given her something, some spark, not of hope, but of something to hold on to. She just wanted to see what might wait in this corridor. It was shorter now, with only a few doors remaining, but she had no idea how long she could have before Cairn woke her up. She needed to hurry, to reach the end of this corridor, to see her friend, her cousin and her mate. Shivering slightly because of the cold short on her back, Aelin stepped towards the next door.


	6. Sisters

**Author's Note:**

 **Hey, I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. I've been working on a few other things at the same time (which will be posted at some point) and honestly didn't know where this next scene was going to go. I'm so happy with all the lovely reviews I've been getting, and have had a few requests for other Throne of Glass fics, so if you want to message me about those, I'd be really happy to see more of what you guys want. I love to get advice and reviews, because I'm only new at this and love to hear what people think. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter!**

 **Thanks!**

 **. . .**

Lysandra sat at the dressing table, staring intently at her reflection. Aelin had been relieved when she had seen these chambers. It was not the beauty of them, with the grand double doors or the large bed that made her sigh, though, rather the lack of exercise that she would have to complete. She remained unaware of her friend stood in the doorway to the room. Aelin smiled at the woman she had worried for so much these last years. She looked the same, with dark cascades of hair and a determined look on her face. Something was off about her though. It was as though a huge shadow hung over the woman, who seemed so burdened compared to the courtesan that Aelin had once known. Lysandra sat, deep in thought, and smiled at herself in the mirror. It was a gentle smile, but Aelin noticed the strain behind it. Then she shook her head, as though remembering something she had to do, and her smile slipped. Now, Aelin watched as her features melted away, and Lysandra no longer sat there, but Aelin. Aelin held back her gasp as she watched the shifter change into her, and it made her heart splinter to see the frown that replaced Lysandra's carefree smile. In this form, she looked anything but carefree. Instead she seemed tired and miserable. She wasn't herself, and Aelin hated knowing that this was what she had asked of her friend.

As she stepped further into the room, Lysandra's head snapped up and she faced her friend and her queen. Once more, she shifted forms, returning to the face that she had met Aelin with, and a relieved smile broke out across her face. She let out a shaking sob and launched herself at Aelin, collapsing into her arms. Aelin held her friend's shaking body tightly and felt her wet tears on Aelin's shoulder. These tears were of joy, but of sorrow too. Aelin couldn't bring herself to let go, to separate herself from the warm figure of her friend.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Lys." She couldn't hold back the words, the regret for what she had needed her friend to do. Lysandra pulled back, searching Aelin's face and shaking her head, with a fierce look on her face.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Aelin. You are my queen and I serve you. I would do it again." Her face remained serious, but her voice broke on the last line and a whole new batch of tears appeared. Aelin guided her friend over to a small lounger with plush cushions, and sat them both down. She wiped away Lys' tears and squeezed her hand.

"Lys, what is it? What's happened?" Aelin's voice became panicked as she ran through a list of horrific news that her friend may now deliver. She knew what Connall had said that they were ok, but Maeve could have lied to him. Lys noticed her friend's fresh terror, though, and cut off her train of thought.

"Oh no, no. No, it's nothing like that." Aelin breathed a sigh of relief, but her brow furrowed. If that wasn't what was troubling her friend, the what was it? Lys looked down into her lap. "It's just…" She trailed off again, and Aelin noticed how her free hand fiddled with her skirt. She was nervous.

Lifting Lys' free hand and holding it with her other one, Aelin smiled comfortingly. "Lys, what is it? You can tell me. You can tell me anything." Lys gave a small smile, but it was quickly replaced by a small frown.

"I can't do it, Aelin. I don't know how you deal with all of it. Every day, I wake up and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. All the decisions, what if I do it wrong? If I make one mistake, people could die. I'm constantly worried that I'm not doing what you would do. If it weren't for Rowan's guidance, I wouldn't have lasted this long. I know that he is the real person running the country, and I'm glad of it, but he's away for months at a time, looking for you. He barely takes a break from it. We write to each other, and he keeps Teressan from falling apart, but since you left Aelin, he hasn't been the same. I feel like I've failed you." Aelin closed her eyes slowly. She regretted so much and hated the universe for so many things, but this was what she hated the most. That she had left all these people behind to clean up her mess. That no matter how hard she had tried to get them allies, to give Teressan a leader, to give Teressan an heir, it hadn't been enough. Erawan still waited for her, and she had ruined lives. She opened her eyes again and looked at her friend. She tucked her hand under Lysandra's chin and made her look at her.

"Lysandra, nothing that you could do would fail me. You are one of the strongest, bravest people that I know and I am so sorry that you have to do all of this. That I put this on you."

"Aelin, I don't blame you, I just don't think that I am doing my job properly, I don't think that I can. And Aedion," she paused and looked back at her hands to stop Aelin seeing the tear that rolled down her cheek. Aelin's breath hitched, and she shifted slightly in her seat.

"What about Aedion?" She breathed the words, but she knew Lys heard her. Her friend shook her head slowly and looked up once more.

"It's really not important. He is doing what is required of him." Her face remained neutral, but Aelin saw the flicker of sadness in her large eyes.

"What about the two of you? What happened?" Aelin knew, and she knew she wouldn't like the answer, but she needed to ask. Lysandra shifted from her seat on the lounger, turning away from her queen slightly, not because she blamed her, but because she didn't want her to see how much the change in their relationship had affected her.

"I wasn't your fault, Aelin. He just…he just loves you more than anything in the world. I knew that, and yet I didn't tell him about the Lock. That I was going to let the person he loved most in the world take herself away from him. He just couldn't forgive that." Aelin let out a breath of air. Gods, she hated this. She hated that she had come between them, that her destiny had ruined so many lives, not just her own.

"I'm sorry, Lys. He'll get over it. One day, he'll understand." Lys shook her head slowly.

"Aelin, you're wrong." Aelin opened her mouth to object, but Lys hurried her words. "He had to live without you for all those years and he wouldn't be able to it again. He would never forgive you, he would never forgive me, and he would never, ever, forgive himself for letting you go. I don't mean to hurt you but it's the truth, and you know it too." Aelin brushed away the tears that had beun to roll down her cheeks. She did know, she knew it all, but she couldn't be selfish. She had to do it, to forge the lock, to end all of this. She had to give up her future to give the rest of them the opportunity to have a future.

"I know, Lys. I know. And I am sorry. I'm sorry that this has to happen, and I'm sorry that you'll be left to pick up the pieces. I'm sorry for everything that you had to give up for me and this war. I love you, and I will never stop being grateful that you are my friend. I'm sorry."

She stood up and started to make her way back to the door. She didn't want to leave her friend, but there were still two doors for her to face and she couldn't miss seeing either of them. Still, she couldn't stop the tears that escaped through her closed lids. Her hand reached for the handle, but Lysandra's voice cut through the room.

"Stop it." She was yelling and anger cut through her voice. "Stop apologising. I don't need apologies, I need you, we all do. I wish I hadn't helped you, not because I don't like the part I have in it, but because I hate the part that you have in it. I won't let you, not anymore. I need you." At some point her yells had turned into tears again, and now she was gasping for breath. Aelin turned slowly, not wanting to see the pain her friend was suffering with. She stared for a moment at her brave friend with the fierce look in her eyes and walked towards her. Holding her tightly, Aelin let herself cry as she held her friend for what she felt was the last time. Lysandra had stopped crying, but as Aelin began to withdraw once more, she whispered, "Please!" Aelin felt the word like a stab in the gut, and still managed to pull away, but she gripped her friend's hand so tightly, she thought she would never be able to let go. She gave her friend a wicked grin, and in return Lysandra supplied a soft smile. Aelin leaned forward and kissed her friend on the cheek. She didn't want to say goodbye, but she knew she had no choice. She would leave, and Lysandra would be ok, because despite what she thought, she didn't need anyone. She was strong and she would survive. Finally, Aelin let go and turned to walk away.

Only when she was no longer looking into her friend's eyes, could she bring herself to whisper, "I'm sorry that this is the only goodbye you get, and it isn't even real." With those words, the words that Aelin had held in her heart for so long, and the truest words that she could think of, she dried her eyes, and walked away from the woman who she had known as many things. Enemy, ally, friend. Sister. She opened the door and walked out.


	7. The Life She Lost

**Author's Note:**

 **I know that it's been a while, but this scene took me ages, because I have so many exams at the moment. Anyway, I really hope that you like it. There is a little more action and multiple characters as opposed to just two like in previous chapters. I really hop you like it! Please review as I love hearing what people think about my writing. I cherish every review I get. Enjoy!**

 **. . .**

Aelin couldn't breathe. She fell to the ground, resting her head against the door that she had just exited from. This may not be real, but everything that Lys had said could be real. Aelin had taken away her friend's life, and ruined countless others. She had allowed herself to be taken, knowing that in turn, Dorian would have to sacrifice himself. Knowing what it would do to Rowan to lose another mate. Knowing the stress it would put on Aedion and Lys' relationship and the stress it would put on Elide and Lorcan's relationship. She may hate the male, but she was vouching for him and Elide, she had been since she saw him drop that shield, so Gavriel could heal her. She had destroyed the people around her, when all she had ever wanted was to save them. That was why she hadn't told them, she hadn't wanted to give them false hope, hope in her. Tears rolled down Aelin's face and she curled into herself, forming fists with her hands. Then, because she knew she had no other choice and that she had eternity to break down in that coffin but only had this one chance to see her cousin and her mate, she got up. Pushing herself to her feet, Aelin composed herself and tried to stop her legs shaking as she moved to the next door.

Aelin didn't know what she had been expecting in the next door, but it hadn't been this. When she had first opened the door, the bright lights had blinded her momentarily. She had moved hesitantly into the room, but when her vision cleared she found herself on a glass balcony, with two large staircases either side of her, that spilled out onto a large ballroom. Aelin spun back around, but in the place of the plain door that she had just walked through moments ago was a set of grand glass doors, and by each of the doors was a guard who smiled at her, before one of them in a booming voice, anncounced, "Her Magisty, Queen Aelin Ashryver Whitehorn Galathnius of Teressan." Aelin turned back to the now hushed ballroom, startled at the use of her title. Every face now stared up at her, smiling and bowing. She walked to the edge of the balcony, placing a hand on the glass banister and peering below her. The room was huge, with tall ceilings and elaborate designs. It was almost exactly the same as the last time she had seen it, when she was eight years old. In fact, this scene was almost an exact replica as the one that she had Aedion had spied from their spot on the balcony above, when they were supposed to be asleep. The only difference now was her age, and the way she was noticed by these people. In many ways, she decided, she preferred being the invisible child in the shadows. She examined the faces in the room next, scrutinising each one. There was her uncle's Captain of the Guard, Quinn, and his advisors. There were her mother's ladies and Marion and Cal Lochan laughing and in the middle of dancing. Even Darrow was smiling, stood by Orlon's side and quietly taking in his King. Then, Aelin took in her uncle, the funny, loving man that had cared for her so much, that had made her laugh, even when she had burned something, or her parents had fought about her powers. She hadn't seen her uncle in over ten years and seeing him again, and knowing that it wasn't really real, made Aelin's heart ache. Moving her eyes past her uncle, Aelin forced herself to look at her parents. They were older now, greying slightly, but her mother's soft smile was still breath-taking and the pride brimming in her father's eyes, made tears brim in Aelin's. After that it was harder to see anything but a blurring of faces, as Aelin furiously blinked back her tears. This was something that she should have had, that they all should have had. Peace and happiness and the chance to see each other grow. Instead, these figures had been frozen in time to the young queen stood on the balcony, and they would never really have the chance to see her attend balls, or her coronation. Aelin supposed that she wouldn't have any of these things anymore anyway, but she still wished that her family had been around to see her life so far. To see her find Aedion again, to fall in love with Sam, to find the best friend in Dorian, to deal with the loss of so many, and to wipe away her tears. To see her marry Rowan. Instead, this was the only time she would see them like this, old and fulfilled and truly happy again.

Aelin forced the tears inside. She wouldn't waste this time crying. Intending to move for the stairs, Aelin found that she was rooted to the spot. Not figuratively, she was dying to get down there, to talk to them all again, to experience the life that she should have lived, but her foot wouldn't move. It only took a moment for her to see why. Staring with a furrowed brow over the crowd, Aelin jumped at the small tap on her shoulder, and twisted to see her cousin stood before her. He smiled at her, his eyes laughing, and she couldn't help but smile back. It didn't take long, though, for her confused expression to return.

"Aedion, what's happening?" Her cousin looked at her incredulously.

"Aelin, are you joking. You've been planning this for weeks." He held his arm out, which she reached for gratefully, finding her feet oddly uncomfortable. It was then that she noticed Aedion's formal attire, with his dark tunic and jacket embroided with golden thread. She drank him in for a second, and realised why this was so strange. She hadn't seen him in such extravagant clothes since they were children. She smiled, but it was laced with sadness. This should have been the life he lived, with balls and training, not rebellions and loss. Her hand was stretched out for his arm when she froze. Spreading her fingers wide and gazing at the length of her arm, Aelin's heart skipped a beat. What had moments ago been scarred, dull skin from being in that coffin was now pale and unmarked. She was glowing and when she turned her attention to her other arm, she found that too, unscathed. Stepping past Aedion and towards the glass door that she had just come through, Aelin examined her reflection. It was like another person entirely. Yes, they were still her eyes and her hair was still the same golden sheen, but her scars were gone. Her skin was smooth and pale, offsetting the golden waves of her hair perfectly. She looked like the princess she should have grown up to be, not the queen that she had become. Then, her eyes lowered. She hadn't even noticed that the damp clothes from her running with Chaol, had been replaced, but now she couldn't see how she hadn't. In place of her simple shirt and pants was an elegant, dark green, floor length gown. It was strapless, hugging her bodice tightly, but with a strip of green fabric around her waist, from which the gown pooled to the floor. There were layers upon layers of fabric, making the dress heavy, and this wasn't helped by the simple high heels, but she had to admit, the effect was effective. Her eyes pricked with tears once more. In this dress she was the embodiment of Teressan, of how it had been. Beautiful, with green and gold, and happy, blissful. Aelin gave her reflection a full smile, one that looked unfamiliar to her. She wasn't this person, really, and she wasn't sure that she wanted to be. This was a sheltered, privileged princess, and though she had things that Aelin dreamed of, her family and her home, Aelin knew that she wouldn't give up own life for this one. She wouldn't give up her mate, or her power, or her cousin, or her best friend. She wouldn't give up the memories of those that she had loved and those who had loved her.

Aelin didn't realise how long she had been looking at herself until Aedion gave a small cough from behind her. "Aelin, what's the matter with you. We have guests remember, and you picked that dress out weeks ago. Now, come on." His tone was teasing, but Aelin didn't have to be reminded what was waiting for her at the bottom of those stairs. She turned and gave a soft smile at her cousin, before looping her arm through his and letting him lead her down the glass stairs, grateful for the balance that he provided.

"Aedion, I know that I planned this, but," she hesitated, looking at him from the corner of her eye. "What is it, again?"

Aedion laughed. "You're joking, right? Your Settling party has all you've talked about for weeks and now you can't remember what it is." He laughed again, shaking his head. "Now we have to go and talk to a few people, but I promise that we can dance after that." Aelin felt her heart beating in her chest. Her Settling. Her party. Her cousin. Her kingdom. It was all too much. Aelin felt her knees weaken and clung to Aedion even tighter, trying desperately to stay upright. Finally, they reach the bottom of the staircase, and much to Aelin's dismay, Aedion let go and waited for her to walk a step ahead. She guessed that this would be normal of a queen and her subject, but Aelin felt overwhelmed. She had just wanted to talk to Aedion, not appear in a royal event. What was this even supposed to teach her? She barely had time to think, before a young woman was darting up to her and curtseying. Aelin stared in amazement as Lady Elide Lochan met her eyes and smiled, before ushering her forwards. Aelin could hardly form words but Elide, shy little Elide, was speaking at 100 miles an hour. She was aware of Aedion following closely, and hardly took in what Elide was saying.

"He's here. I can't believe he came!" Aelin frowned and turned to her friend.

"Wait, Elide." She stopped in the middle of the floor, and Elide turned to her, confused.

"My Queen, is everything all right?" Elide's concerned expression was enough to turn other heads, and so Aelin looped her arm through Elide's once more and kept on in the direction that they had been heading.

"Yes, yes. Quite all right." Elide's expression cleared, but Aelin continued. "But, who is here, Elide?" Elide frowned once more.

"Lorcan, of course." She looked really worried now, and Aelin tried to make herself look as neutral as possible. "Lorcan Salvaterre, from Maeve's court. He managed to find an excuse to come and visit Teressan. I'm so excited."

Aelin forced a smile, but then she processed Elide's words and turned sharply. "Is Rowan here?" She realised the urgency in her tone, and tried to cover it up. "I mean, did any of the others come. It could be useful to establish a stronger alliance."

Elide laughed, but Aelin could hear her concern. "An alliance? With Maeve?" She shook her head and Aelin bit her lip. So Rowan wasn't here then. She tried not to let the disappointment hit her. There was still one more door. "Aelin, are you quite all right?" Aelin didn't know how much she could deny it anymore, but she didn't have to.

A broad hand reached out for Aelin's shoulder, causing her to whirl. The shock in the faces of her friend and her cousin was evident. She guessed that the princess didn't have much cause for jumping, not when her life had been spent in this castle, safe from all conflict. Smoothing her skirts, she gave and apologetic smile to whomever she had startled, but couldn't bring herself to when she saw whom she was facing.

"Uncle!" She bit back her tears as she pulled her uncle into a tight hug, breathing him in. He bellowed at his overly affectionate niece and pushed her away, mock examining her.

"Did someone have a little to drink before they arrived tonight?" He whispered, grinning cheekily at his niece. Aelin grinned back. She had never seen this side of her uncle, never had the chance. These jokes that they might have shared were lost 10 years ago. She didn't know what role he would have played in her maturing, if he would have been strict, or more likely, snuck her her first sips of alcohol at some ball or other. She just shook her head at him and gave him look of mock seriousness.

"Before my Settling party? Never!" He laughed again, that jolly sound that she had missed so desperately. He turned from her, looking quickly at Darrow, who was stood by a pillar, watching Orlon. When he turned back, he was smiling, a softer smile. "You should dance, my dear. After all, this is your last party before…" He was cut off the appearance at Darrow at his shoulder, and he smiled once more. "Have fun, Aelin." She stumbled with her words trying to get him to explain what he had been about to say, but he was already gone, weaving his way through the crown on Darrow's arm. Aelin watched him go and a wave of sadness overtook her. She had missed her Uncle. He had been so many things to so many people. To Darrow, he was his love. To Aedion, he was his King. To the people, he was their ruler. But to Aelin, he was family. She tried to keep track of him, but eventually hi head was lost in the sea of people, dancing and laughing.

She felt another hand touch her arm, and Aedion's touch snapped her out of her trance. She blinked at him, and then shook her head. "I'm fine. I don't know what's the matter with me this evening."

Aedion smiled at her knowingly. "I do." This baffled Aelin because what had really been the matter was that she was seeing the people who had been left behind, but this Aedion couldn't possibly know that. She just followed after him as he strode purposefully through the great hall. Elide had whispered something about Lorcan and dashed off, but Aelin was in such a daze that she hardly noticed. It was difficult to keep up with Aedion with these heels, and she tripped several times, only catching herself at the last second. Her face had burned each time, before she reminded herself that this wasn't real. She kept after Aedion in the crowd, ignoring the people calling after her as she passed them. Finally, he stopped. Aelin hurried up to him, but froze a few paces away when she saw who it was that they were facing. Her knees trembled and she felt her magic surging up. Evalin Ashyver approached gracefully and placed a soft hand on Aelin's face.

"Are you all right, my dear? You look dreadfully pale." Her mother's concern was so familiar that Aelin wanted to cry. She wanted to hold onto her parents and never let go. Not trusing herself to move and not breakdown, Aelin just remained where she was, gazing at the pair with an awed stare. Her father approached and wove his arm over his wife's shoulder.

He beamed at Aelin, pride brimming in his eyes. "Of course she is, dear. It's her Settling party. She's bound to be nervous." Aelin tried a smile, but she knew that it came out weak. Her father took her hand and gave her a quick spin, which left her toppling into him. He steading her, with his warm broad hands and she smiled up at him. A proper smile, this time. He smiled down softly and pulled one of her curls. "Why, darling, you look as though you haven't seen me in months. We had lunch together this afternoon, you know." She gave him a quick hug and then gripped her mother's hand tightly.

"I remember. It's just strange to be at my Settling party. To have all of you here because of me."

Her father chuckled, and muttered, "We know that you wouldn't have it any other way."

Aelin laughed and her mother teasingly shoved at her husband, before returning to Aelin. "You must dance, dear. After a dance and a glass of some wine, you'll be in your usual good spirits."

Aelin nodded at her parents, and smiled once more. "Yes, I suppose I shall." Then she reached her arm out to Aedion. "Come cousin, we must dance." Aedion rolled his eyes at her, but took her hand. As her cousin led her out onto the dance floor, though, Aelin rushed back and pecked both her parents on the cheek. They looked so startled that she might have laughed, but Aedion was already pulling her through the crowd.

Aelin felt dizzy. She had never attended a ball like this. When she had gone to them as Diana Hamel, she was always working, always trying to find the key to someone's activities that made their assassination easier. Then, when she had gone to balls whilst the King's Champion, there was always the sense of bitterness at the people who were living such a life when her own people had burned and suffered. She had never been in a place, so full of life and joy, and such energy. Everybody seemed to be radiating happiness, their lives carefree and lovely. She had always dreamed of having a life like this, but now she was here, it was unnerving. No shoulder to watch over, no blade in her corset, no ulterior motive. No purpose. Aelin tried to get rid of these thoughts. She should just enjoy this opportunity. Suddenly, the pressure of the crowd disappeared as Aedion pulled her into a spacious area, where people whirled past, spinning and laughing. Aedion pulled herself into hold and she beamed at the dancers around them. She loved to dance and before she knew what was happening, she and her cousin were circling the dance floor, and her laugher mingled with the other courtiers. Aedion shot her a look of surprise, and then his gaze flicked over her shoulder and turned stony.

"What is wrong with you this evening?" His question was soft, so others could not overhear, but Aelin felt the intensity of it.

"What do you mean, dear cousin? I'm having a lovely time." Aedion's frown only deepened, and he flashed his eyes back over her shoulder. Aelin tried to turn to see what he was looking at, but he turned her again, so she was unable to.

"That's exactly to what I am referring to, Aelin." He hissed, but she knew that his words came from a place of concern for her. Concern about what, Aelin didn't know. "Just hours ago, when I left you, you were in tears. I didn't even know if you were going to turn up tonight, after what your parents told you."

Aelin squeezed his arm, as she tensed up. "What are you talking about, Aedion?" Her throat was tight and Aelin saw him flick his eyes angrily over her shoulder once more. "What are you looking at?" She snapped at her cousin.

Aedion just kept on dancing as though unwilling to break the façade of normality. "Him." Seeing Aelin's confusion, he elaborated. "Your betrothed. The ones you parents told you about at lunchtime." Aelin pulled back, her eyes boring into her cousin.

"What?" Ignoring Aedion's confusion, and his concern at the staring people now they had stopped in the middle of the dance floor, she pressed on, not bothering to lower her voice. "Who is he?"

Aedion frowned, and whispered, "Prince Vlan. You met him at dinner last night, remember. He came from one of the countries on the Southern continent."

Aelin closed her eyes. "Do I love him?" She needed to know, she didn't care if it confused him.

Aedion looked angry, but not at her, never at her. At the situation. "No, of course you don't. You met yesterday. You don't know him."

"And yet they are marrying me off to him? Like cattle?" Aelin spun round, her vision blurred by the dancers still spinning around them. She tried to pick out her parents, her uncle. She searched for the face of her betrothed. She knew what was wrong with this place. What this was supposed to show her. That her life, however unfair, however short, was her life and she wanted it back, she wanted it back. She didn't want this life, a life where her parents were prepared to marry her to someone she cared not for. That her uncle was prepared to marry her off. That her cousin wasn't able to do anything about it. She didn't have a life to go back to, she knew that. All she had was the coffin and Maeve. Even still, she didn't want to let go of her life, the possibility of her life. She would have to, but she didn't want to. Tears fell down her cheeks now, and she turned back to her cousin and flung herself into his arms. She practically fell, with these heels, and she clung tightly to him. "Goodbye. I love you." With that sentiment, she broke away and didn't look back. She knew that if she did, she wouldn't be able to leave him here. Instead, she pushed through the dancing courtiers and ran back towards the stairs. Pulling off the ridiculous heels, Aelin flew up the stairs and ran out of the doors. Then she whirled, hoping to get to see her family once more, but the door was closed. She banged her hand at the door, but when she looked down at it, it was scarred. Her skin felt the same again and she had her boots returned to her, but the gown had remained. Aelin ignored the heavy skirts, not having time to bother with them. Instead, she lifted them and sprinted to the last door. She took a deep breath, smiled at the thought of what lay inside, and pushed the knob down.


	8. The Final Door

**Author's Note:**

 **This is my last chapter in which Aelin is in the dream, but not the last chapter of this story! I can't wait to write more, and this is one of my favourite things I've ever written. Please review, because I love hearing what you think about my writing! Hope you enjoy!**

 **. . .**

Aelin smile became a frown, before she stepped through the door. What lay before her was not at all what she had expected. What she had wanted. She had thought that maybe she had to wait, that Rowan would arrive. She needed to see her mate, just once more. Instead the scene she entered was a cold plain field. Her arms prickled, her sleeveless dress providing no protection from the chilly wind. Aelin pulled her arms around herself and tried to warm herself up. She had understood every other door, every other door, but this one. She waited a few moments before the cold became too much and she turned back to the door. What was behind her, however, was just a plain field. The door was gone. Aelin groaned and raised her head to the sky. The clouds were grey and moving sluggishly above her, and Aelin knew that she had had enough rain in Chaol's door, she didn't want anymore. She wouldn't be surprised, either, if this dress soaked up water like a sponge and the skirts became even heavier than they already were. Aelin looked down, swishing her skirts this way and that, absent-mindedly as she waited for something to happen, anything. This couldn't be the whole scene. It wasn't.

When Aelin spun around, watching her dark green dress float beneath her, she was stopped in her tracks by something small across the field. She could have sworn that it wasn't there before. It was far away, and without her Fae eyesight, Aelin couldn't quite make it out. Walking a few steps, the breath knocked out of Aelin as the thing in the distance came into focus. Aelin stumbled forwards. This wasn't it, it just wasn't, she couldn't see that. Despite her denial, she continued to walk forwards, breaking out into a run, tripping on her long skirts. When she was just a few paces away from the object, Aelin cried out, stopping in her tracks. She brought a hand to her face, trying to keep in the chocked sobs. Before her lay a small, grey, crumbling grave stone. Aelin dropped to her knees before the grave, tracing the words with her fingers. _Rowan Galathnius Whitehorn. Beloved friend and mate._ Tears continued to roll down Aelin's cheeks, and when her fingers reached that final word, that promise, she slammed against the stone with her hands. She banged the grave with her fists, until her hands were cracked and bleeding. Then she just leaned against the grave and cried. As she sat against that grave, however, something caught her eye, just a few meters away. She sat up, and stared at the other grave that had appeared. Then she stood and twisted around only to see another grave. Aelin shook her head. Lines of graves now lay before her, each with the name of one of her loved ones on it. Aelin turned and turned, staring horrified at each fresh grave. _Aedion, Lysandra, Chaol, Manon, Lorcan, Fenrys, Gavriel, Connall, Ansel, Elide._ It was too much, too much. Aelin cried out, feeling the pain as though she had been shot. When that arrow had been shot at Rowan that day, the desperation, the terror and the agony that she had felt then was nothing compared to what she felt now. She collapsed to the ground once more, surrounded by her fallen family and friends. Her green skirts were ripped and stained with blood and mud. Aelin didn't even notice. Her head felt like it was about to explode, and she thought her heart might be being ripped out. She couldn't tell herself that this wasn't real, because one day it would be. One day, she would be in Maeve's castle, being whipped and tortured and unaware if her family had died yet. She couldn't handle that, she wanted to live. Aelin screamed out, rocking back and forward on her knees. She wanted to live.

She didn't know how long she had stayed there, but her voice was hoarse and her back ached. Aelin didn't care, she just kept rocking, and screaming. Until a soft, warm hand rested on her arm and Aelin jumped up. The one name that hadn't been on one of those graves. Aelin trembled, and flung herself into her friend's arms. "Dorian," she breathed, her tears falling on his shirt. He pulled away, but looked at her with sympathy. Then, he stood and held out his hand for her. It took all of Aelin's energy, but somehow, she took it. The King of Ardalan pulled her to her feet and she gripped his hand to keep herself upright.

Dorian's expression was serious, but behind his eyes was kindness. "There's nothing for you here, Aelin. This was all a dream, after all." Aelin flinched away.

"What?" His words felt like a final sting. She didn't understand.

"Look around, Aelin." Her eyes flicked to the graves, but returned quickly to his eyes, afraid of breaking down once more. Dorian repeated himself, his tone softer. "There's nothing for you here. You need to wake up. Your mate isn't here, your cousin, your friends. Me." He smiled at her meekly, but then his stony expression returned, and he started to walk away. "You want to live, yes?" He didn't wait for her response. "Well, you can't live if you don't wake up." Aelin stared at him as he walked away, and her eyes drifted back to the graves surrounding her. Her court to rattle the stars was gone, just gone. She couldn't take it. She would never be able to understand this. These people were her family. Dorian had put it all so simply, that she just needed to wake up. But how could she, when what she would wake up to was torture and agony. None of these people would be there if she woke up. She might as well stay here.

Something about Dorian's words had struck a chord within Aelin and she could feel it in the back of her mind. 'There was nothing for her here.' 'Here.' Aelin brought her bloody hand to her head. There was nothing for her there either, so why say that. She wanted to stay, she wanted to find another door, and see her mate. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. Dorian had vanished, and Aelin wouldn't know what to ask him even if he was here. She had tried to figure it out, scanning through her dream. Each door had a lesson, a purpose. What was this door supposed to tell her? Aelin whirled around, trying to solve some hidden puzzle. She wanted to live, but she had wanted to live after the last door. Why this scene?

Suddenly, Aelin's eyes widened as the thought came to her. She had known that she had wanted her life back, but she had known that even without being Maeve's prisoner, she would have to give her life up anyway. She had needed a reason. A reason to hold on, despite her life being over. She had needed to see who she still needed to save. Who she needed to hold on for. Aelin grinned, momentarily forgetting the situation, proud of herself for figuring it out. She needed to hold on, and this scene had shown her why. As soon as the thought passed through her mind, though, Aelin felt a searing pain begin ebbing at the base of her spine. She reached to feel her back, but the relief from her pain that this dream had provided was over. Hissing, Aelin pulled her hand back quickly. It was wave after wave of pain, as though all the pain from the time she had started the dream, was coming back at once. Flames seemed to lap against her back, and Aelin scrunched her eyes closed, trying to block out her pain. When she opened her eyes, however, the edges of her vision were blurring and Aelin gripped the fabric of her dress. Her breathing became rapid, and she knew what was happening. The dream was over, she was going back and there was nothing that she could do to stop it happening. There was a ringing in Aelin's head now and as her vision abandoned her entirely, she realised that they were voices. She strained to hear them, to see what they were saying, but her head was fuzzy and she couldn't make anything out properly. All she really knew was the pain between her shoulder blades, and the darkness that had overcome her.

Aelin blinked several times, as she woke. No, she screamed in her head. Take me back! She didn't want to be back here. She knew now that she needed to hold on, but the reality of that was thousands of years of Cairn's beatings and Maeve's emotional torture. Aelin tried to shake her head, but a sharp blade of pain shot through her neck when she inched it slightly to the side. She closed her eyes again, not that it made much difference when the coffin was constantly submerged in darkness anyway. Thinking back to her dream, Aelin envisioned Dorian in the library, Chaol in the rain, Lysandra in her chambers, Manon in the training ring and Aedion at the ball. Picturing the people she had had the chance to see again, Aelin was grateful. Even though she hadn't seen Rowan, she had been given more than she had had for the last five years, and she could hold on to it. Her eyes flickered open, and Aelin stared at the door of the coffin with some determination. Though she hated what she knew she would have to endure, she could do it and she wouldn't give that bitch the satisfaction of seeing her let go.

Aelin heard a bang and shifted back instinctively. Part of the iron coffin that jutted out pierced one of her scars, and despite her resolution, Aelin crumpled. That blasted iron drained everything she had and the last time she had been beaten, despite Connall's help, Aelin had obtained some of her deepest scars yet, and they were still barely healed. When that iron had pierced her fresh scar, Aelin couldn't hold in her feeble scream as her back arched away from the back wall and sharp pains shot through her whole back due to the sudden movement. As much as the chains allowed her, Aelin sagged, knowing that without the manacles keeping her in place, she would be on the floor. Instead, she hung limply, trying with everything she could not to move, for fear of further pain. Her head had begun to ring again, and Aelin desperately tried to block out the noise, to get rid of the voices haunting her. They didn't go away though, and from somewhere within the castle, Aelin heard a shrill scream. Her senses became hyper alert. What was happening? She only hoped whatever it was didn't reach her iron coffin, whoever it was didn't see the Queen of Teressan as a valuable prize. She still listened though, trying to figure out what was going on. There were the heavy footsteps of the guards, and Aelin was thankful that they seemed to be going in the opposite direction to her cell. Yells could be heard distantly, and Aelin hoped with every ounce of her being that somewhere up there Maeve and Cairn were suffering. Aelin listened intently for the footsteps, these ones thundering down stairs, and with horror, she realised, towards her. She wanted to scream for someone to help her, but she couldn't find a voice. Not that anyone would come to save her anyway. No, she saved her screams and just lay limp, with her eyes closed, thinking of the irony that when she finally decided to hold on, someone would come and end it for her anyway, what she had wished for the last four years or so. Aelin's eyes remained closed, even when she heard the yells of the guards outside of the room, and she focussed on conjuring up images of those she loved. She pictured Rowan when she had married him, and wished that she had gotten the chance to do it properly. She pictured the moment that she rescued Aedion again, when she saw him register her face, and knew that no matter what was happening, the world was better now that they were together again. She pictured Lysandra when she had asked her to be a Lady in her court, and Evangeline when she had worn that flower crown the Little Folk had made her. She pictured the evenings sat in her chambers with Dorian and Chaol, when it had been the three of them against the world. She pictured Ansel when they had ridden the Asterian horses across the red desert and Elide when they had found each other once more. They were her family and Aelin hoped that they would remember her, and that they would live the long, happy lives that they deserved.

Aelin smiled weakly, thanks to the pain that continued to roar around her, and she ignored the sound of her cell door being flung open. It was as she was focussing on the people that she loved the most, however, that she began to frown. Then, all of her breath left her body. People moved into the room, and she heard a moment of discussion before they saw the coffin at the back of the cell. That moment was enough though. Those voices, those voices. Aelin couldn't dare to think like that. It wasn't what she thought. It couldn't be. Aelin closed her eyes again, and tried to take herself back to that place. She would die, and she couldn't do anything about it. She hadn't heard anything, she couldn't have heard anything. Because that would mean… Her eyes remained clamped shut, but she felt the breath of air as the coffin door was heaved open, and she felt the added light behind her lids. More determinedly than ever, she kept her eyes glued closed. Even when she heard that familiar soft gasp of horror. She knew it wasn't true.

"Fireheart." The voice breathed, so close to her face, and it was that voice that made her heart break. Aelin's eyes opened to meet her mate's pine green eyes, and the tears that she saw fall down his cheeks, made tears of her own form.

"Rowan."


	9. Real

**Author's Note:**

 **Thank You all so much for reading my** **fan fiction! I know I haven't updated in a while but I couldn't decide how much of my new content I wanted to put into this chapter. the next update should be soon! Please review and tell me what you think, or what you want to be more heavily featured!**

 **Thanks :)**

 **. . .**

Aelin felt her vision blur again, and she knew that this time it wasn't tears. Trying desperately to hold on, Aelin put all of her energy into keeping her eyes open, but the pain from that iron spike had been too much and the shock of what she was seeing…The world grew black, and Aelin lost consciousness. She heard others burst into the room, but couldn't make out what was being said, whether they were friends or enemies. Even in her state, Aelin was aware of being moved, if only because of the agonizing pain building back up in her body. Silently screaming, Aelin tried to block out what she was feeling, directing her thoughts instead to the events taking place. Just minutes ago, she had been sat in that field talking with Dorian and realising that she had to hold on, had to wake up. Now, she was being carried through the castle, or so the shooting pain in her back would suggest, and she had seen…she had seen…Aelin couldn't even think it. Because, what if it wasn't true. She had been on the verge of passing out, and she had just woken up, and maybe she was still dreaming. Racking her brains for some solution, Aelin tuned out the faint yells. It was becoming too hard to hold on, and despite her attempts to clutch at some degree of consciousness, Aelin drifted into darkness.

Voices. Keeping her eyes closed, Aelin came to, her mind foggy. She tried not to listen to the words that she could faintly make out, not wanting to hear whatever new plan Maeve had for her. Something was different, however, something that made Aelin tense up. Through her eyelids, there was light. It was faint, silvery, but she knew that it was different to that overwhelming darkness that the coffin had brought. Then something caught her attention.

"We have to tell them. They need to know." It wasn't the words that were being uttered that caught Aelin's attention, though, but the voice that spoke them. It was a soft voice that sounded gentle, but the strength behind the words suggested otherwise.

"We can't risk the message being intercepted." A different voice now, cautious, and by the hissing noise that came his way from the first voice, rightly so.

"He's right. You know that. It won't make a difference if they know about her now or when we reach them." This voice was gentle and so similar to the voice of Aelin's cousin, with its smooth nature, that Aelin thought it might be him for a moment. But no, there was a slight twinge in his accent. The first voice spoke again once more, gentler now that she was talking to the third person, not the second, but still ferociously adamant.

"It will make a difference. It would have made a difference for us. Would you have not slept better if you were told she was coming home?" Aelin knew they were talking about her, but the voices were faint as though from a different room. Who were they talking about? What did they mean home? Aelin hated this, another of Maeve's cruel games waiting to be explained to her. The second voice returned after a pause.

"Rowan?" That name, the same name that Aelin had clung onto for the past five years.

Aelin couldn't help but open her eyes, not caring any more if this was a game. Maeve could do what she wanted, but Aelin needed to see him nonetheless. She searched the small area that she was in, not finding the strength to move from where she lay on her side on some kind of camp bed. Upon examination, the area was the inside of some kind of large tent. There was little in it, except three other camp beds, and a large piece of fabric acting as a flimsy barrier between her and the rest of the tent. There was no sign of the bodies to whom the voices that she had heard belonged, but they had stopped now, only heavy breathing the sign of their presence. It was dark, likely the middle of the night, but a bright shaft of silver light broke through the tent. Something about it tugged at Aelin and despite the rising aches in her back, Aelin used her weak arms to pull her fragile body into a sitting position. The pain felt like flames licked her lower back, but Aelin had become very good at managing pain, and besides, flames were a part of her. Once more, she pushed against the camp bed with her hands, and Aelin stood, staggering forwards slightly, but catching herself. She could do this, and Maeve could watch and see that she was still strong. The tent was small enough that it only took a few small paces to reach the flap leading to the outside, but it felt like a mile to Aelin. Still, she kept her head high, and her back straight. She was the Queen who was Promised, and she would not falter.

When Aelin pushed aside the door of tent and stepped outside, she could have sworn that she heard a collective sharp intake of breath. Taking in her surroundings without moving her head, Aelin examined the small clearing they were stood in, and the edge of the lake where her companions waited, frozen. It was cold, despite the strong fire burning outside the tent, and Aelin's skin prickled. It felt so real, and yet…Aelin wouldn't go there yet, so she followed the path of moonlight towards the four figures in front of her. The female was stood, and gazing at Aelin with an awed look in her eyes. Aelin remembered the last time she had seen Elide Lochan, and the Lady of Perranth had told her she would come with her to the fires of hell that awaited her. Aelin remembered the true reason that she left with Maeve with little struggle. Aelin also remembered the grateful stare of the male who stood just slightly edged towards Elide's side, and remembered the relief of Lorcan Salvaterre when the woman that he loved had been spared by the woman he hated. The third voice that she had heard belonged to the golden haired male, sat with his back to the lake, staring up at the Queen of Teressan with an expression of wonder. It was not to him that Aelin's stare rested upon however, and she blinked back the tears that came to her eyes when that green eyed, silver haired wielder of wind and ice looked at her and she felt his rich scent of pine and snow wash over her. Her mate. He was perched upon a small boulder, his strong hands frozen in midair as though he didn't quite know what to do with them. Aelin wanted to run to him, run to him and apoligise for leaving him, for not telling him. Aelin wanted to travel back to Teressan with them, she wanted to see them all again, she wanted to stop Dorian sacrificing himself for that lock. Most of all, though, she wanted this to be real.

As Rowan rose and stepped cautiously towards his mate, he couldn't help the word that slipped from his lips. "Fireheart." Aelin flinched at that name. It was something she had longed to hear from him again for years, but she had wanted it to be real, not some word to be wielded against her by Maeve in this vicious game. She had finally been ready to go back to Maeve, finally understood why she needed to hold on, and Maeve decides to play some sick game with her. She preferred the mine that her Aunt had thrown her into, at least then she had been in control of her thoughts. This was some new mind control, and Maeve had decided to pull it right at the time Aelin had finally got her own thoughts in order. The irony of it was not lost on Aelin, who let out a cold sharp laugh. The sound was foreign and full of anger. Rowan halted in his tracks, but the concerned expression on his face only made Aelin laugh harder.

"Wow, Maeve really captured you all." Confusion rippled through the group and Elide stepped towards her.

"Aelin, what do you mean?" Her voice was gentle and caring, unlike the cold way she had addressed Lorcan moments before. Raising her eyes to the sky, Aelin began to shout, her voice full of hysteria and bitterness.

"Wow, you even got the antagonism between those two right. Look Maeve, this isn't going to get to me. You're wasting your time, just bring me back." Gavriel was stood up now, and approached his Queen.

"Aelin, what do you mean? Maeve isn't here, it's just us." Elide stepped forwards again and reached for Aelin's hand. Grasping the outstretched hand, Aelin began examining the palm closely.

"Wow, it really feels real. You've actually done a good job." Her gaze wandered back to the sky, and Elide pulled back her hand, too shocked to bother stepping away from Lorcan's comforting hold. "Now bring me back, my Aunt and get this over with."

"Aelin." Rowan's voice was gravelly, and Aelin couldn't help but note the pleading tone. She fixed him with a sympathetic stare.

"Sorry, Rowan, my love, but this just isn't real." She stepped away from all of them, trying to contain her wince that the movement prompted. Rowan wouldn't stop though.

"Why? Why are you so sure that this isn't real? That we didn't save you?" His tone revealed nothing of his emotion this time and Aelin could see the concern for their brother in Gavriel and Lorcan's gazes. She ignored them all though, walking until she and Rowan shared the same air. This was what she needed, what she craved, the hold of her mate. But she didn't want it when it wasn't real. Rowan didn't even respond when she reached her palm and cupped his cheek.

"Because that's not how life goes. I don't get the chance to see things righted. I don't even get the chance to give my life for the cause. I don't get the chance to come back to you all. You should know that by now." Treading away once more and making her way back to the tent she had just appeared out of, Aelin muttered to herself. "Let's see how much fun Maeve has when all I do is sit in bed." Once her back was to the four of them, she didn't bother to hide the pain in her expression as her back ravaged her. They weren't letting her get away so easily. Lorcan lunged for her, grabbing her arm and spinning her around to face them once more. Aelin couldn't hold back her cry as she stumbled towards them. Rowan growled and grabbed Lorcan's arm, holding him back, but Lorcan shook him off.

"I'm sorry, my queen." Aelin raised her eyes at the new development, but Lorcan's angry expression didn't fade, despite the regret that he clearly felt for hurting her. "Yes, that's right, you're my Queen, whether you like it or not. You have been from the moment that you gave yourself to save Elide on that beach five years ago," Elide shifted on her feet uncomfortably at the mention of it, "because I know that you would have done it for any one of your court. For your allies and for those you loved. You became my Queen that day five years ago, and every moment since then, I have spent trying to find you, because there are people that need you. The world, your court, your family, your allies and you mate. For them, and for me, I found you, and now your saying it's not real." He let out a disbelieving laugh, and Elide stepped forwards and put a restraining hand on Lorcan's arm.

"Lorcan, don't." He shook her hand off the same way he had Rowan's, but spun so he stood between her and Aelin.

"What, you're ok with this?" Spinning back to face Aelin, he stabbed his finger towards Elide. "Are you trying to tell me that it's not real that this woman has had nightmares almost every night for the past five years about what you gave for her that day on the beach?" His attention turned to Gavriel. "That he hadn't made it his life purpose to find the one person his son could never live without? To find his friend?" Rowan had turned away during this outburst, facing the lake before them, that looked like liquid moonlight. He froze, however, when Lorcan pointed to him. "That your mate has let a thought pass that wasn't about you? That he hasn't…" Lorcan cut off, gasping for breath and collecting himself. After a moment of silence, during which no one moved, Lorcan moved towards Aelin and whispered close enough that without their Fae hearing, the other members of the group wouldn't have heard him. "Aelin Ashryver Galathnius, you are free. You are going home to Teressan. You will be with your family. This is real."

Aelin closed her eyes. Then opened them. Somehow, when she had closed her eyes, everything had changed. No longer was she seeing a façade created by a dark queen to torment her. Now she saw her salvation. Her friend who had come to save her. Her subject who she had gained loyalty from despite their general hatred for each other. Her uncle, whom she had named 'Uncle Kitty cat' under protest. And her mate. The mate that she had hidden so much from, in order to protect him. The mate that she would do anything to ensure he got a future even if she wasn't in it. The mate she would follow to whatever end. Her eyes were open now.

"Real."

That word fell off her tongue like a blessing, and a prayer. Aelin felt the joy and relief flowing over her companions, but she didn't drag her gaze from her mate's back, where he faced the lake. As she breathed that one word, a quiet sob shuddered from Rowan and he turned to face her, sweeping her over with a look. When his pine green eyes met her own, though, Aelin crumpled. He was there before her feet touched the ground holding her gently, careful not to touch her back. His hot tears fell on her shoulder, and she sobbed into his shoulder.

"Aelin, Aelin, Aelin, Aelin." He repeated her name, as though saying it could make this all feel right. She clutched to him desperately, and vowed that's he would never let go, never stop breathing in that pine and snow scent. In five years, she had never felt so complete. No words could truly express their emotions in those moments, and so bathed in moonlight, the mates held each other, forgetting what awaited them in the future, forgetting what had come before this moment, and just held on because they needed each other to keep them from falling apart.


	10. Have to stay

**It's been a while since I've posted, because I'm working on a few other things right now, but I really hope you like this next** **chapter. Please leave reviews so I can improve my writing and this story! I'm really grateful if you're still reading this, so thank you all!**

 **. . .**

The pair of them stayed on that lakeside for almost an hour, doing nothing but holding each other. There were no words exchanged between them, for though there was plenty to discuss, that would wait until tomorrow morning. Right now, they just needed to hold each other, to acknowledge that they had found each other again, and that whatever happened, they would be together. Rowan kept his hands firmly on her sides, avoiding the scars that marred her back, knowing from how her face had contorted in pain when Lorcan had touched her before, how painful they still were. It was a miracle that she was able to stand, and walk, though Rowan had no doubt that doing both had caused excruciating pain. He would have insisted that she return to bed, but he was unable to pull away from his mate, needing to breathe her in, and feel her skin under his hands. He needed to know that this was real, as much as she had. Whist Rowan ensured that he didn't touch her back, Aelin had flung herself around him, gripping his muscled back tightly as though she could hold him there forever. She had her eyes wide open, refusing to go back to that place in the darkness, when she wanted to stay in the glorious light of her mate forever. After an hour, however, after Gavriel, Lorcan and Elide had all gone to bed and Aelin and Rowan still knelt at that lakeside, Rowan murmured into her hair, unable to pull back. "You should sleep, Fireheart." Aelin paused, considering that he too needed rest, before responding. "Stay with me." It was low and quiet, but Rowan nodded into her neck, before disentangling himself from his mate. Standing, he held out a hand for her, and she anxiously disguised her grimace as pain shot through her back once more as she, too, stood. She allowed his to lead her back to the tent that she had come from, and waited for him to lie down, before slipping in next to him, ensuring her back faced away from him. He held his eyes on hers, and she clasped his hand in hers before closing her own eyes. As the darkness took over, Aelin resisted the urge to panic, but she knew that he would not sleep if he thought she was still awake, and from the looks of him, he hadn't slept in days. She hoped that his exhaustion would overcome him soon enough, and sure enough, minutes later, his breaths had become heavy and slow. Aelin snapped her eyes open, eager to escape the memories that her own eyes now brought her. Silently slipping out of the bed, Aelin kissed Rowan's forehead, before leaving the tent. She had no doubt that Rowan had been healing her wounds during their embrace, because she found it easier, whilst still painful, to walk. She knew in her heart though, that she scars she had obtained could never be healed. Not fully.

The darkness of the night was relieved by the bright shine of the moon, and Aelin approached the lakeside, slipping onto a small mound of grass and staring up at the moon. Tears escaped her; tears of exhaustion, of relief but most of all, tears of sorrow. Years of Aelin's life had been spent ravaged by the misery brought by the deaths of those she loved, and with Rowan, she had begun to walk out of the darkness, the people she had lost part of her, but no longer overshadowing her. Now, she was back at every dark moment, when she had lost her parent, her uncle, Marion, Sam, Nehemia. It was so fresh it was as though they had left her only yesterday, and she hated that Maeve's torture had done this to her. Because it didn't matter that she was free, for she didn't think she would ever be able to outrun these shadows again. So consumed in her own pain, Aelin didn't notice the presence approaching behind her, until he was right there. A strong figure slid beside her on the grass mound, but feeling her flinch edged away slightly.

"Sorry, I should have announced myself." Gavriel's voice was soft, as though he knew she didn't want to wake the others. He stared, not at her, but at the moon above them.

"Why are you out here?" Aelin's voice was quiet, and she tried to hide the raw pain that lay in her tone. Gavriel didn't move his gaze from the moon, as he answered.

"I'm on guard. You didn't think Rowan would sleep knowing we were unprotected." Aelin shook her head slightly. She knew that he wouldn't have done that, but she wasn't thinking clearly. Blocking out the memories that had stopped her thinking clearly, Aelin turned towards Gavriel slightly.

"Have you spoken to Aedion? Does he know that I'm…?" The word safe felt unnatural and false on her tongue, because the terror that she felt every time she closed her eyes, didn't make her feel safe. "Out?" she finished, after a short pause. Gavriel now shook his head, and looked at his queen.

"No, he doesn't know. We were debating whether or not to send word that we were returning and that you were with us before you awoke, but we didn't decide." Aelin knew that he had changed his wording as well, trying not to say things that would remind her of all that she had been through. "What do you think, my queen?" His question was quiet, but already Aelin felt the heads turning to her, looking to her for answers that she wasn't sure she had, and so she simply turned away from the heaviness of his glare.

"I don't know."

The words made her feel so weak, so unprepared. She had been ready to hold on, she had known what she had aimed for. Wanting to save them all from Erawan, and stop Dorian sacrificing himself for the lock had kept her going. Aelin hadn't had time to think about what it would be like if she got out, and got the chance to do those things. "I don't know anymore." Looking down, Aelin tried to ignore the sad gaze of Gavriel at the words that pulled away her remaining scraps of armour.

"Aelin, I don't know exactly what happened to you for these past five years, but if anyone can imagine, it would be me. Me, and Rowan and Lorcan. We know Maeve, and the kind of ways she punishes you." His words were soft, and though Aelin knew they were true, and he spoke them from a place of kindness, what had happened, what she had been through…

"You don't know. Not about this." She hated the words on her tongue, but they were the truth and she had no time for pretences anymore. "You weren't there." Closing her eyes and trying to block out the emotions flashing across Gavriel's face, Aelin began to ask the question that she had feared since she had realised that this was real. Turning to face him, her mouth opened, but the anger in his expression, not at her, but at himself, for not being able to stop Maeve on that beach, or to follow them, made Aelin pause. "Gavriel, I don't blame you. I knew what was happening the moment I arrived on that beach. You couldn't have saved me then, there was no way. But you did save me. And I'm here." Then, as he turned back to face the lake, Aelin stood and turned back to the tent from which she had exited. Though she couldn't sleep, she knew Rowan would wake and wouldn't put him through the panic of her not being there when he awoke. Walking away from her uncle, still unmoving at the lakeside, Aelin whispered, "Thank you." Though she didn't stop walking, Aelin noticed Gavriel's head dip from where he was sat behind her and she hoped that he would be able to forgive himself for everything that had happened.

Perched on the side of the campbed in which Rowan still slept, Aelin watched as light finally poured back into the tent, and as morning arose before her. Judging by the fitful murmurings coming from her mate, Aelin knew that he had not had pleasant dreams, but she didn't wake him for fear that he wouldn't get back to sleep. He needed to rest, for tonight at least, because what she had planned wouldn't be relaxing. Aelin still wouldn't move, for though she knew Gavriel's magic was protecting her from further pain, she had spent the past five years fearing the slightest twitch, and her movements were limited still. Focussing her mind on the day ahead, Aelin knew she needed a plan of action. Maeve and Erawan would wait for now, but she had more pressing matters on her mind. Placing a hand on Rowan's arm, Aelin shook him awake gently. Despite her cautiousness, he shot straight upright in bed, scanning the room for any sign of threat, before examining her face for pain or fear. She hated how much this had affected him, how jumpy he was and would still be for who knows how long. "Rowan, it's ok. Nothing is wrong." Her words were quiet but strong, using the only way that she knew how to stop his drive to protect, that she had know for some time had come from more than his blood oath. Resisting the urge to send soothing thoughts down the bond that had been obvious to her for years, Aelin just moved her hand to hold Rowan's hand, dragging his attention back to her. He remained stone silent, and she knew that this was hard for him, so she wouldn't push away this like she once would have, though territorial Fae bastard came to the front of her mind so quickly, like muscle memory. Instead, Aelin just looked him directly in the eye and gave him a simple order, something that he could do for her to help soothe his urge to protect. "Rowan, I want you to wake the others. We are going to have a court meeting."

Just five minutes later, the entire group was stood around a large boulder that was doubling as their table, with maps and papers spread over it. Aelin had never gone to sleep, and so simply waited for everyone else to ready themselves, and Rowan just tugged on a new shirt before guarding her outside. Elide seemed tired, but rose from bed quickly anyway, eager to see what this new world would be like now that they had back their leader and queen. The queen that she had known as a child, but had had so little time to reconnect with since they reunited after the Valg attack, before that horrific day on the beach. Gavriel growled gently at Rowan as he was awoken, but his face turned red as his eyes opened and he pulled on his clothes, before moving to wake Lorcan. Unsuprisingly to the cadre, who had spent many missions with the Faew warrier, Lorcan was the hardest to wake, rolling away from the sunrise in his small campbed, and only managing to get out of that bed when Elide walked past and told him to hurry the hell up. He had lived for many centuries and had a myriad of abilities, but he couldn't say no to her. Aelin didn't acknowledge the group as they approached, simply staring down at the maps that she had discovered in the small collection of belongings that they had carried with them, and focussing her mind on what she had to do today. She could get through this much, just one meeting, and then she would figure out how to get through the rest of it as it came. Finally looking up at the small portion of her court, Aelin cleared her throught. "I heard you talking yesterday. There is no point in us alerting our family in Teressan that we are returning as they will only try to meet us sooner, and we need to be in our stronghold, not the middle of some forest in…" Aelin's authoritative voice trailed off and she raised her eyebrows at the court, hoping she would seem more together than she felt. She knew that her voice remained hoarse from the screams that were more familiar now than words. Gavriel wasted no time.

"We're in a small woodland, miles from Mistward, as it is now under strict control, though we have ensured that the residents are well cared for through our correspondences there." Aelin nodded, trying not to focus on that large stretch of sea that lay between herself and her kingdom.

"Right then, we need to get back to Teressan as soon as possible. We would preferably avoid conversing with other from Wendlyn, as it would only lead to questions, and Lysandra's still pretending to be me, so we don't want to blow that until we absolutely have to." She couldn't miss the look passing between Gavriel and Elide, and she knew there and then that something with that plan had also been derailed. In the voice of a Lady that Aelin had not heard before, Elide stepped closer to the boulder.

"Actually, Aedion sent us a letter in that first year. It turns out, she had no intention of letting you suffer in secret and we don't know how she did it, but the world knows that you haven't been in Teressan. Lysandra is still ruling alongside Aedion, in your stead, but she does it in her own skin, not yours." Sighing, Aelin felt more and more of her defences fall away. Would she now have to return to a court angry at her intention to lie to them, or one full of pity and awkward hesitations. Retuning her thoughts to the task at hand, Aelin nodded.

"Well that explains the lack of activity on Erawan's part. He wants all of the old players in the game, not a decoy that I sent as cover." Not realising that she had said something wrong until she noticed Rowan's knotted brow, Aelin frowned at the group. She still had one thing to sort out before they left for Teressan, and she couldn't delay it anymore. "What?"

"Aelin," Rowan's voice still made Aelin's heart jump. "How do you know so much about what has been happening? How do you know that Erawan has been silent?" Aelin pursed her lips; at least this brought her to her next point.

"Days, or, um, weeks ago, I don't know really," Aelin tried hard to ignore the tension caused by her recollection, and how her time had merged together. "I was, Cairn took me and…" Hesitating, Aelin knew she couldn't recount that tale, couldn't convey the pain and torture she had felt to be so at the mercy of someone else. "I needed help, and he worked around the order." Aelin wasn't ashamed and she looked each of them in the eyes as she spoke. This was her tale, and she would have to learn to wear it like armour, the way she had her other scars, even if at the moment, the thought of reliving a second of what happened, made her nauseous and cold. "Connall found me and took me back to my cell, but on the way he made a detour." Her eyes settled on Rowan. "He took me to your old chambers and helped me to heal. He said he could argue to her that it wasn't in her interests for me to die. Whilst we were there, I asked him about what was happening, to Erawan, to Teressan and to all of you. He told me the basics before we left." Swallowing the lump in her throat, Aelin turned her head back to her court, staring them down. "Where are they?" Her voice was cold and commanding, but Aelin didn't care. This was what she needed to know, more than anything. Where was the man who had helped piece her together, and the other that had held her for as long as he could to keep her from wholly falling apart in front of her. She needed them. The court shuffled on their feet, staring down, until Lorcan stepped forwards, his voice soft.

"We managed to tell Fenrys where we would be. We told him to get him and Connall here by today." Pausing, Lorcan nodded to Rowan.

"He told us not to wait. He said that if they weren't here, to get you away. To do whatever it took, even if you protested." This was more painful than her back had been hours ago, and Aelin steeled her face, refusing to break down again.

"We will wait for Fenrys and Connall, however long it takes." Her voice was commanding and unmovable. She would not reconsider, but her court exchanged another wary look.

"Aelin, you know that that is impractical. We have no choice." Gavriel's voice was gentle, and Aelin hated how they walked on broken glass around her. She had expected it in Teressan but not from her own court.

"Actually, we do have a choice; either we wait for them to arrive, or we wait for them to send word that they are unable to get out and we will return to save them." Though it killed her to imagine going back to that place ever again, it would hurt her more to know that she had left the Fae twins behind. This was what had to be done.


	11. We're going home

**Dear Readers,**

 **This is going to be my last update to Memories Hurt. As you all know, Kingdom of Ash came out on Tuesday, and I have finally finished reading it. So much has changed since the point at which I started this, and having read the canon, and become so invested in it, I would find it difficult to continue to write my alternative ending. This chapter is quite long and raps up everything quite nicely. I'm so glad that you've read this fan fiction and it has meant so much to me. Obviously, I will continue to write Throne of Glass fan fiction and fan fiction in general, but I feel like this is where the story has to end! I appreciate greatly all the support you have given me, and would love some final reviews to see what you all thought!**

 **Thank you so much,**

 **FireheartMatilda x**

 **. . .**

Nodding in dismissal, Aelin walked swiftly away from the boulder, deciding to try to regain strength by taking a walk by the lake. However, her bones ached any time she attempted to walk faster than a snail's pace, and so it was unsurprising that moments later, Rowan caught up with her. Unable to think of the words or the way to convey her thoughts, the pair walked in silence for five minutes, Rowan's hand under Aelin's arm, steadying her when she felt weak; though she tried to hide it in her features, he knew. After a short time, Aelin could feel her back worsening and not wanting to undo the minor healing that Gavriel had managed, she paused by the side of the lake. They had managed to walk away from the camp, and across the water could see the rest of their group still talking around the table. Though she couldn't make out their expressions, Aelin knew that they would be worried. Standing a safe distance away, not wanting to overwhelm his wife, Rowan watched her closed expression as she watched her family.

"Aelin." His voice made her flinch slightly, though he didn't know why. Still, she didn't turn to face him, instead opting to look at the smooth ripples of the water as the calm winds washed over them. "You know that we have to go to Teressan, as soon as possible. I don't want to leave them behind, believe me." Rowan ran his hand through his hair, thinking of the brothers that he had experienced so much with. Still, his queen's safety was the most important thing, and they needed to return home.

"Then we wait." Her voice was soft and quiet, but held an air of stubbornness that he knew all too well.

"It's not that simple, my love." Rowan hated that he was disagreeing with her on this, but he had no choice. "We have to return to Teressan, to our court. We can't send word that you are returning, it isn't safe. The only way they'll know is when we arrive." He walked to her side, staring at her, whilst her eyes refused to meet his. "They need to know." She bit her lip and her brow furrowed, considering. He knew that it was a rarity that Aelin would let someone see her more hesitant side, and it warmed his heart that she felt safe with him. After everything…he didn't know how much would be different now.

"Would it have helped? If you had known, days in advance, would it have helped?"

"Yes, more than you can imagine. They should know, Aedion, Lysandra, Dorian, Chaol…"

"Chaol is home?" Aelin interrupted, finally facing him, her eyes hopeful. He knew how much the captain meant to her, how he and Dorian had been like family to her in the time that she had spent in the castle. That hadn't gone away.

"Yes, and he has much to tell you. They all do." It was the truth, and she needed to hear it. Aelin faced the lake once more, but her features were softer, relief that Chaol was back and safe. "We should go home Aelin." However, her face hardened once more and she turned back to walk to the camp once more, walking away from him with more energy than she really had. Confused, Rowan called after her. "Your family needs to see you." Spinning madly, Aelin twisted to face him.

"They're my family too!" She had tried to yell, but her voice remained hoarse and cracked as she spoke. Tears glistened in her eyes, and she let out a breath. Making to apoligise, Aelin was cut off by Rowan standing close, but not touching her. He knew she didn't want to be touched, from the way she had pulled away from Lorcan's grip last night, the way she had grimaced as his hand touched her arm whilst they walked. He didn't know why yet, and she would tell him when she was ready, but now he just needed to be there for his Fireheart, his mate.

"I know, I know. We'll wait. We won't leave until they are with us." Aelin wiped away a tear and smiled up at him, weakly.

"Thank you, buzzard." The words were quiet, but still he chuckled softly at the use of her favourite pet name for him.

"Let's return to the others." Nodding, and further clearing the traces of her tears from her cheeks, Aelin walked along the side of the lake with her mate, and relished in the normalcy of the moment. Despite the demon king, the bitch queen, the witches, she had found a moment that was just them, and in that second she could ignore everything that was happening, and could cherish the lines of her husband's face, so that never would she forget the way the side of his mouth turned up slightly when he found something amusing, or the air of ice and wind that emanated around him. Never again would she forget.

She had spent the rest of the morning going over everything that had happened with precise details, but avoiding mentioning anything that had happened to her. There were some things that she didn't think she could ever repeat, ever face. It didn't matter anyway, one day she would forge the lock and she wouldn't have to think about any of these memories anymore. It wasn't just the new thoughts of Maeve and her torture, but the way she had dragged other memories to the surface, things that she had thought she had moved past and now haunted her every breath. The names rattled around her head on a constant loop. Evalin and Rhoe Galathnius, Orlon Galathnius, Marion, Sam, Nehemia. It was enough to suffocate her if she thought about her too long. Like a wave that wouldn't recede, just waiting to break over her head, waiting to drown her. And she couldn't talk about it with any of them. It was hazy, but she could remember the looks on Rowan and Elide's faces when they had seen the iron coffin. Little did they know that it was barely scratching the surface of what she had been through. Watching her family a few feet away, Aelin smiled at Lorcan's intent gaze on Elide, that she was not oblivious to, and she was frowning at him. One day, they would work through what Aelin can only guess was broken on that beach. Noticing her Queen's stare, Elide happily moved away from Lorcan's eyes and threw herself in the grass opposite Aelin. Her voice was hesitant and gentle, with the same strength that Aelin had loved so much in her mother.

"Look, I know we didn't spend too much time together before…" Her voice trailed off as she tried to figure out how to phrase it, and Aelin held back her flinch at the way she knew people would be tripping over their words around her for a while. Still, Elide continued.

"But if you wanted to talk about anything, or if there's anything that I could do to help, then you could just tell me." Aelin made to shake off the offer vaguely and find some way out of anything that involved talking about what had happened, when she caught the pining look that rested on Elide's back. For the few weeks that they had been together, Aelin had barely had time to think about the blossoming relationship between the cadre member and her Lady, but she had always thought of him as territorial and possessive when it came to Elide. Now, however, she was reanalysing their relationship, as she noticed, not jealously or resentment in his gaze, but longing and a burning desire to make her happy. His words from the night before rang in her head and she wondered how many times he had tried to comfort Elide when the nightmares awoke her, and how many times she had brushed him off. Looking back to the Lady of Perranth, Aelin nodded.

"I know it's not my place, but do one thing for me?" Elide sat up straighter and she clasped her hands in her lap, expectant and eager to help, to serve. It made Aelin slightly uncomfortable, if she was honest, not because of the power that she had, but because she knew that Elide would do anything to serve her, would sacrifice herself to protect her, the same way her mother had done all those years before. She had known on the beach when Elide had offered to go with her, but after everything that Aelin had been through, the thought of Elide with her made her shudder. Still, she pressed on, not with a commanding tone, but firmly. "You should talk to him, open up to him." Knowing to whom she was referring, Elide sent a wary glance over her shoulder and Lorcan pretended to busy himself in a conversation with Gavriel. Her head began to shake, and she turned back to her queen.

"With all respect, Aelin, I can't. After what he did, who he called…" Her voice trailed off, and Aelin knew exactly what he had done because the consequence had been her time in Maeve's clutches. Elide's expression darkened, so Aelin knew that she was remembering too. "That mistake he made, it was unforgivable." From meters away, Lorcan flinched and Aelin knew that with his Fae hearing, every word was gnawing away at his hope.

"Did he make a mistake? Yes. Was it unforgiveable? No." As Elide's expression became shocked, Aelin knew that she had doubted that the queen would protest this much, would care this much about the matter. "I have made mistakes, Elide. Big ones. I mean, we've all killed people, but I have bigger mistakes than that, and some of those I don't even count as mistakes. I thought my friend was behind the killings in the palace, I blamed my other friend for my friend's death, I knocked out a man whose words could have changed my fate, I let a young assassin go to kill Rouke Farran on his own, and when he didn't come back right away, I waited before going after him." Aelin was no longer looking at Elide, delving further into the guilt that racked her soul. "Those were mistakes, and some of them, yes were unforgivable." She thought of the mangled corpse of her first love, and the guilt that would never leave her, even if she had been to live a thousand years. Looking back at the Lady of Perranth, Aelin sighed. "What he did, was awful. He betrayed your trust, and it turned out horribly. But ultimately, he did it to protect you, and more importantly than that, he made it right. He spent five years making it right, and he would have spent another hundred if you asked him to. I'm not saying forgive him, just…Talk to him." Elide's eyes once more turned to Lorcan, and this time he didn't drop her gaze. Aelin stood, leaving their pair to sort out their own business now, and as she passed gave Lorcan a small nod, which he returned with a grateful smile. Glad that something had worked out in this cruel fated world, Aelin smiled to herself and rubbed her fingertips together at the burning that seemed to be growing there. She wasn't ready for that, and so she sat on a small boulder and thought simly of nothing, trying to keep her head clear for as long as she could before terror and love and war seeped back in.

The night was creeping in once more, and Aelin tried to fend off the thoughts of the looming darkness. She was out, this was real, there was no more Endovier, no more iron coffins, no more unescapable shadows. Keeping her breathing steady, Aelin watched as the hawk circled overhead, looking out for potential threats. I had been hard enough to convince him to leave her sight, but without Lysandra present, he was the only one who could fly and they needed to be prepared. Watching his sweeping circles as he soared above her, Aelin couldn't help being brought back to their trip through Oakwald forest with Aedion, Lysandra and Evangeline. So much had been different then, it had all felt so much easier. Then, one thought made Aelin's features harden and she let out a sharp breath of air. Five years. Most of her family wouldn't have changed much, especially those who were immortal, but Evangeline. Evangeline had just been a child, only 11 when Aelin had been taken. What would she look like now? She would be 16. That had been the age that Aelin had been when she had fallen in love with Sam, when she had been shipped off to Endovier. She hoped that Evangeline had been kept safe, safe and happy, because if she hadn't, then there would be a great deal of spilt blood when she returned to Teressan. How much would Evangeline remember about her? Fighting the burning behind her eyes, Aelin removed the thought of what would happen when she returned from her head. Rowan had stopped flying overhead now, and she could feel him approaching her. Turning to see what he had to report, Aelin frowned at the large grin on his face. Then, her breath caught in her throat as she realised what he must have seen. Scrambling to her feet, Aelin simply asked one question.

"Where?" He didn't have answer though, because at that moment two large Fae wolves burst through the tree line to the clearing. A small sob escaping from her throat, Aelin rushed towards the brothers, collapsing beside them and burying her face in their fur. They trio didn't move as the males shifted, and Aelin clutched them tighter. She could feel their chests moving rapidly as they caught their breath from the running, and didn't care as the others gathered around, watching their close embrace. What she had been through, what had been done to her, they had been there. For the past five years, the small protection that these two males could give her was all that she had had. Connall moved slightly, looking up at their companions, and she remembered that he hadn't ever met Elide, and hadn't seen his cadre brothers in years, even longer than her. Releasing her tight grip, Aelin slipped out of their arms, but remained clutching their rough calloused hands, unable to bring herself to let go. Fenrys and Connall rose first, and helped Aelin up gently. Unlike the help that she had profusely refused from the others over the last 24 hours, Aelin took it gladly and leaned into their touch. Some habits were hard to break, as was proved just seconds later, when Gavriel reached his hand to hug Fenrys and he instinctively pushed Aelin behind him, baring his teeth at Gavriel. Gavriel quickly removed his outreached hand, and Aelin gripped a blinking Fenrys' hand harder, looking up at him. "It's ok." She soothed him. "You don't have to protect me anymore." Fenrys nodded slowly and stepped towards a now frozen group. Opening his arms, he quickly embraced all three of the cadre members, and kissed Elide's hand. Connall did the same, but paused when he reached Elide. Aelin, still in shock, had forgotten to introduce her, and Lorcan, who was stood beside her, introduced her.

"Connall, this is Elide." He motioned between the two of them. "Elide, this is Connall, Fenrys' twin and cadre member." Aelin moved towards Rowan, slipping her hand into his, feeling safer now that the brothers had arrived, who smiled down at his wife.

"I'm so happy that the name 'cadre' caught on." Aelin commented, and Rowan smiled more broadly, glad at the happier tone in Aelin's voice, and Gavriel even chuckled softly. Lorcan rolled his eyes, and continued with introductions, but she saw the corner of his mouth rise.

"Connall is like a brother to all of us, and Elide is my…" Lorcan trailed off, realising his mistake, and Elide's eyes flashed with irritation, an awkward silence settling over the group.

"Elide is my Lady of Perranth." Aelin added hastily, and Elide simply smiled at Connall as Lorcan flashed Aelin a grateful smile. She wasn't sure how easy it would be to get used to them being on the same side. Still, she didn't have time to think about that now. Sh had been playing this through step by step, unsure what was going to happen next, but now that Connall and Fenrys had returned to her, there was only one thing she wanted to do, only one thing that she needed to do. She needed to return to her home; to her family. Looking around the group, still reuniting and discussing Fenrys and Connall's escape and their freedom from their bllod oaths. Aelin held up a hand, and the group quieted. "You can tell us on the way." She flicked her eyes between the group, finally letting them rest on Rowan. "We move now. We're going to Teressan."


End file.
